I'm BBBBBAAAAACCCK

Hi, as you may have noticed I've been away from blogging for the last few days now. The reason - complete depression. I had to have a total re-think of what I was doing and put harding on the back burner as I was breaking down about it. I left things go for a few days because she went dead cold on me and I acted like a fool - how do women do that to you??

I jumped straight back into my music and made some good headway there but the last week has been hell. Finally last night she contacted me to ask if I was in a better mood. I'm not going to lie but it was one hell of a relief. She also contacted me today to tell me she had passed her teaching course which I was really chuffed for her with. That is twice she's contacted me in two days so that's something, we also got on really well again last night.

Hopefully all is forgiven but I'm trying my best not to jump to conclusions as I was f**ked up over last week. I have now upped my running to 4 miles every day and I am beginning to see the advantages - I have lost weight no bones about it.

On the weekend I got totally pissed on both days - Saturday and Sunday. Felt awful on Monday and hardly got anything done but still went for my run. I'm supposed to be working right now to the racecourse but I came back about half an hour after everybody left - I just can't be bothered with security any longer. I'm now putting more effort into earning money with PTC sites. I've found a new site to review music and I'm using it to earn money to invest into my PTC sites. Hopefully this will give me an income so that I can concentrate on getting my music finished and polished to a high, impressive standard.

I promise I will not leave the next post so long - I'm feeling positive for the first time in about 9 days today so I felt up to continuing with this blog. See you soon.

First Contact

This is the first real contact I've had with harding this week ( well the first real contact and shes actually just sent me through a message just as I started this sentence ) and I feel a little better about myself. Even though I'm feeling better today I think this week has shook me up sufficiently enough to put me on a new track and I'm glad I'm producing again.

I'm afraid this is going to be a short post today as it's 10.40 at night and I'm not in work again ( even though I should be ). I'm going back in about an hour to sleep in the car although I must be careful as I'm going to get caught if I try and pull this shit to often. Spoke to John the pianist today and he's up for singing and doing some piano work on my stuff - good news, hope he likes it!

The music is really helping me through at the moment and I have had my first smoke of the day not more than 20 mins ago. I've been straight all day and I have really enjoyed it and I've got stuff done. Tomorrow I will try to do the same. The only reason I'm going have a couple of small smokes tonight is that I can get to sleep tonight in the car and hopefully get at least 4 hours so I can get in some good stuff tomorrow.

Pretty stoned now as it's my first of the day and I'm going to leave in a bit to read my book in the car and make myself even more sleepy. Just waiting about at the moment to see if harding sends us another message as I don't want to push my luck. She said her silence was because of work but I don't believe that really - it coincided with my admission of my youth and my rant Saturday night. Shes also not been so forthcoming since we met ( and that happens to make me very very uncomfortable and it kills my confidence ). This settles it - the only way to get this girl is to be more successful in my work and my music. She knows I've named one of the songs after her and she was obviously interested in that lol. Get to get the song finished to a decent level  and show it to her - a lot of work to do in my mini studio for the next few days but hell I'm looking forward to it.

Not Looking Good on The Romance Front

Yeah, unfortunately I think I'm going to have to move on with my love life. Ever since my admissions and the meeting with harding ( that I thought went well ) things have taken a turn for the worse. Do I feel bad, yeah I do but I;m trying to put a brave face on it and be positive. The good thing to come out of this is the fact that I have started my own music again.

It's getting on well with the music and I'm hoping it comes out good quality so I can publish it and get some coverage online. I have had minor contact with her today ( 2 messages with her ) but that seems like it - shes gone really cold on me and I have to admit it hurts a little ( well more than a little ). She hasn't seen my reply but I'm not holding my breath here - it looks like it's over and my battle is lost.

I should be in work now. I turned up at seven and took the keys and all that bullshit then waited until about 8.15pm. I then left and locked everything up. I don't care - I just don't care at the moment because I tried everything in my power to get this girl and it all came apart on me when it mattered most. I was going to go back to work about half eleven but to be honest I'll probably just sleep here until 5 and then drive straight down. I care not about this job now and I am desperate to earn full time online because working nights in my situation sucks. I see nobody and I live like a vampire. I'm lonely and in need of love but I just cannot see that happening now.

I hope to have better news for you tomorrow as my journey for improvement has stopped dead at the moment. I will try some pray tonight but as for positive thinking - I'm afraid that's a long way off now.

I'm Producing Again

Been a good day so far but it's 8.23pm so there's plenty of time for it to go wrong but I've got POS printed on my hand again and I've been using it for positive vibes all day. Harding had some sort of test results today but I've only just contacted her to find out how they went. I only just got in contact as I am not going to be running round after her all day from now onwards - I'm gonna fill my day with online work and music production. The online work and the music I've done today have been top quality. I think this is due to the fact that I have not smoked so much today and I have been pushing for a positive feeling.

I was woke at just after 7.30 this morning by my day knocking on my door. He was on the way back from nightshift and he had a message for an oil delivery from my mum. Being up that early allowed me to go for a good run and has also allowed me to do plenty of things after. I'm back online now getting through more work and I'm feeling pretty good seeing I have not really spoke to harding yet today. She did send me a message regarding the fact that she had a gut feeling she had failed - she hasn't replied yet and she saw the message nearly 40 minutes ago. Oh well, if that's the way she want's it then that's the way she'll get it. I need action now and I'm starting to get a little irritated with her since I met her. I think she has had second thoughts about me and the revelations about me she heard yesterday probably have not helped. That is who I am though and my past is my past.

I'm feeling a little lifted through adding this music back into my life. I want to feel good about myself and be a success and the band is dragging me back at the moment, my new music is starting to shine through. I'm already pretty tired tonight due to the fact that I was up so early. I think I'm going to have an early computer shut down tonight - just keeping it on at the moment in case harding gets in contact with me.

Tomorrow I've decided I'm going to pull a fast one. What do I mean by that, well, I'm going to get to work by about 7 tomorrow night. After this I'm going to wait until about 8 and then piss off back home until about 12 at night. I know this is not going to bring me huge amounts of good karma but I need more time in the house to get some computer work done and a couple of studio/music hours done. I don;t yet know if I'll do it both nights but I'm seriously thinking about it. I have some great drive in me at the moment and I don't want to lose it.

Well it's 10.05 at night and she has not contacted me back. If she fails to tonight then I'm afraid that shes going to have to go on the back burner. She's got time but not much - I'm getting myself out of this hole and if she wants to come with me she's welcome to - if she doesn't then that's that - I am positive and I am going to succeed. 

The Whole Truth

Hey everyone, sorry for being such a depressing git yesterday, really messed things up there. It's all down to desperation and drink and I should really know better by now. Tonight I have come completely clean with her about my past because basically I had to. So far, fingers crossed, it's not going so bad.

Yeah, she said she would not stop being my friend because of what I'd done - phew! Shes still a little cagey tonight but I suppose that's to be expected really. I've re-tread my steps today and I have written POS back on my hand due to my various slips this weekend. Alcohol is a no-no from now onwards and I'm going to have to stick to that now.

I have managed ton get quite a bit of work done so far today because to be honest I'm sick to the back teeth of this security shite and I want money - and lots of it!!! Success online is now a necessity and I must reach it sooner rather than later.

Just realized she's getting her results for her teaching exam she's doing tomorrow.so I just wished her luck with - she replied with the fact that she knew she had already failed - I just posted this reply -

'don't give me that, your intelligent, elegant, and a 'proper' hot teacher. You'll do just fine'.


I think we're getting back to where we were before which is good news as I hated yesterday and today. She has become a friend and that's a good place to start. I have to work much harder to get this one but hell, it's worth it if it works out. 

Hell I'm tired  tonight but what can you do? Haven't had a run today because my son was down with me but I spoiled him a little - well I spoiled him a lot and now I have sod all money to last myself for the rest of the week. Oh Well, between him and Nicola this weekend I've spent right out and now this week I'm really gonna have to go hungry. That's all for today as I fancy a late night double burger and my eyes are killing me. 

Got My Boy With Me And I'm Watching Bolt

Yep, like the title says I'm in the company of my brilliant boy. I picked him up this morning and I have him with me til tomorrow night. He actually just had a sip of my vodka and coke - that'll put him off drinking until his teenage years. Hardings had her kids birthday party today so as yet I'm have not had any decent contact with her ( really is pissing me off now but I can't complain really. Sent her one message, she saw it, she has not replied - it's ten past seven at night now.

I know last night went well and she said she had a nice time but I'm starting to lose my positive feelings - how f**king needy is that. My son is sitting next to me as I write this and he's passing my drink to me every time I ask lol - slave labor but he get's enough out of me! I'm gonna have a few drinks tonight and try and forget about this lady for a while cos she's starting to rot my brain a bit. It's a weight today and I've had enough. I seem to be doing all the work. Shes already stressed shes interested a few times but I'm still unsure - guess this is just part of the game we play.

Yeah, 8.35 at night now and still no response - I'm not in the mood for positive shite now so I'll be back and for to this blog throughout the night. Just re-read that last sentence - fuck that! It's her loss if this turns out sour not mine. I'm gonna get positive again tonight and ride this black horse all the way to hell if needs be!!!!

I apologize for my lack of positive feeling tonight - I think I'm on a come-down from last night but my life is not going to stand still. Feeling angry but I'm not going to take this shite or let myself get to down - I've come this far and that is an achievement in itself. Drinking rather more hastily now and it's 9.10 at night. I'm not sending any more messages now as I've had enough and I remember I do have a degree of self respect left in this battered body. If she gets in contact then good news - if she doesn't then tuff fuck to me and her. I must be ruthless as well as positive - it's the only way forward in this pursuit of happiness.

My God She's Great

Just got back from meeting harding for the first time tonight - god she's beautiful! I was so nervous and quiet at first shes talked like a mad woman. I opened up a bit after a slow start and she was more than brilliant. I think there's a second date - for certain. I'm so flying at the moment I don't quite know what to write here tonight I'm blown away. I think I did really well but I'm not sure now - my heads all over the place but hell I like it.

I've sent her a message but there's no reply yet ( I am not going to get paranoid at that yet ). She just messaged me and she got back alright. I just messaged her back asking if she had a 'alright' time ( a bit needy I know ). I'm happy and positive and that's all I know - it feels really good and I've made the first step in the right direction. Shes just messaged me - YES she had a nice time and she found my panic nature funny. I f**king adore this girl lol. Got to get a grip cos it's really early doors here.

I don't know why I'm carrying on talking here cos I've only got one thing on my mind and I'm in the middle of talking to her now ha!!!! I'll cut this short cos I'm pretty sure there's nobody out there that wants to read my lovesick shite lol. Not only that I've just got into a conversation with her through Facebook - Today, I Love Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I Supposed To Be Feeling Panic Or Excitement

Yeah, I think a little bit of panic is beginning to set in here. I should really be excited but I've got to be honest - I ain't really. Went into town today and bought a grey hooded Slazenger top to wear to meet harding. I have no idea if this item looks good on me or not. I thought it was a good idea in the shop but that was due to a sweating session caused by hidden panic setting in.

I'm not being funny here but what the f**k am I supposed to say! I'm in a panic here - should I buy some flowers? I really don't know. I talked to her tonight but she suddenly stopped about an hour and a quarter ago - what the hell does that mean. We have decided where to meet but no idea how we meet - she's got my number but I do not have hers.

I've died my hair, I went for a decent run this morning, I've written a page today for my new paranormal and unexplained site. Why has she stopped talking to me and what the f**k am I going to talk about tomorrow. I've got to the point where I'm numb with whats gonna happen tomorrow so I've already planned for what I'm going to do with the rest of my life lol. If it's a disaster I'm going to get my solo music finished and I'm also going to throw myself into working online. Not very positive is it lol. Hold on a minute she's just sent me a message. OK, she just wanted to know about the mp3's I'm downloading for her phone.

Yeah, shes already told me she's demanding and she's not wrong, so far I've splashed out for £27 body wash, I have to get her £30 perfume and now I'm downloading about 50 albums for her. I'm working very hard to get this one, very very hard.

It's 10.16pm and I'm in the middle of arranging how to meet with her at the moment, she seems very comfortable with it whilst I'm s**ting it! Oh god - I wish I was still married so I don't have to go through this shit. Need to remember the positive path I'm supposed to be traveling here lol, need it more than ever. Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen - the next contact I'll have with you is on the big day itself.

I'm Sure I'm Still Fat - Is This How Anorexic People Feel

Before I start this post I should really mention my sister. She is currently away at a special hospital for eating disorders. I admit this today because I think I myself are starting to go down that road. About 5 weeks ago as you may know I started running at least 4 days a week to try and lose bulk weight from my upper body. I have lost weight but I could still do with losing more off my stomach. It's pretty sick really as I have found myself looking in the mirror at my side profile and sucking in my gut. it is now 2 and a half days before I meet harding and I am really paranoid about my gut weight - it is nowhere near what it used to be but it is there.

All this is no good for positive outlooks. My mother rang up earlier and put me in a worse mood than I was before with constant dithering about the oil needed for this house. I wish now I had been more helpful but I only ended up snapping at her. This is mainly because she is eating into my work time and I don't have much between nightshifts. Harding just messaged me asking how work was - I told her I had to work this morning in an attempt to slow down the requests for perfume etc. my own fault for trying to be the 'big man'.

This relationship with harding is now costing me serious money and I have a bachelor party and my sons birthday coming up. Got to stop trying to impress this girl with lavish gifts and rely on my charm ( oh god I'm f**ked ). I just can't afford to do this but I'm so desperate to get things right with her I'm willing to try anything. I'm on thin ice here as she just messaged me to find out how many birds I contacted through that dating site - had to be careful, said she was the first one I contacted and I was lucky she replied ( hopefully she will believe that even though it's complete bollocks.

Shes in the process of making me check out her friends on this dating site at the moment ( why, I have no f**king idea lol ). She wants my opinion - a little strange if you ask me - girls don't usually want you to look at other girls. Turns out she was at loggerheads with this girl - thank god I said she was much better looking. I'm getting a little nervous about Friday now - looks like we are going to be getting a chinese and eating it in a car, it's original I'll give her that. I'm going to have to wear something that compliments my figure and I'm going to dye my hair tomorrow. I'm off to work now and I'm just about to write POS on my hand for the rest of tonight. I won't be able to write it on my hand friday lol.

I'm So Late

Hey guys, I'm going to apologize in advance for this as I have completely run out of time today and need to be in work within a couple of hours. The reason for this is the amount of work I have got through today ( which is a big relief after the last few days ). I'm managed to write two full articles for my science site and I'm in the process of finishing off the SEO on the second one.

I've really had drive today and I think this is due to the fact that this meeting with harding on friday is as friends as pointed out last night ( which is obvious really but still hurt a bit ). It has reminded me to be positive and push myself as I'm going to need to seriously impress this girl and it's not going to be easy. Unfortunately I'm at work on my first nightshift tonight but it just means I'm going to sit in the car and watch dvds, hopefully I'll be able to get through by phone to harding and have a cool chat with her.

Went for a long run in the rain again this morning - starting to piss me off as my mp3 player goes a bit dodgy when wet and I hate running without music. I seriously going to have to cut this short tonight as I've got to roll three smokes to take, get changed and shave within the next 50 mins and I'm going to send a quick facebook message to harding just in case my phone screws up tonight and I cannot contact her. Sorry about the short post but I'm so late I'm really in the shite here. Speak to you tomorrow ( hopefully for longer lol ).

Due Date

We've set a date to meet! This friday me and harding will be embarking on our first due date. Sure, we are only going as friends so far but it's a start, I just hope she likes what she sees or I'm gonna have to make it up with my personality ( oh oh ). Am I nervous, yeah a little and it will probably get worse throughout the week, but I have to do it now, I have no excuse.

We talked for a long while last night and I ended up getting tired first and had to call off the chat to go to bed. I did feel a little guilty but I was absolutely knackered and I really needed to crash out. We haven't really talked today yet but that will come later ( I'm still desperately trying to get a load of work first ).

Just had my low fat tea - yes I'm still attempting to lose weight before I meet harding lol. Went for a nice long run this morning to, aching now but I'm hoping it reduces my size before friday. I have lost weight and I can see the difference in my figure it's just that I needed to lose more and I didn't really start soon enough - I didn't realize I would be meeting her so soon.

It's 9.10 in the evening now and I've been collecting info on where to go this friday with harding. Got a few good ideas so we'll have to see if shes up for any of them. I've lost hours of work due to the fact we can't decide on anywhere. Cocked all my working routine but I don't really mind lol.

feeling pretty positive at the mo because we've sorted a date. I just didn't realize how soon this all could happen. Shes shown a little lack of confidence tonight after I complimented her. She has said we're friends now so meeting each other should be easy. I don't like that word 'friends' and it's pissed me off a bit really. Got a low feeling here now when I want a positive one - still, being friends is a start and it may allow me to work some further magic ( must remain positive or this will not work ).

Festival Tonight

Yeah at 8.00pm tonight me and my band will be taking to the stage to play our first big-time gig. Pretty excited but not that worried yet - that will come a little later. We had a really good rehersal last night so as long as I don't  drink to much before I go on we should be alright.

That last sentence was very important, there will be plenty of time to enjoy a few drinks after the gig - we'll only be on for about half an hour or so with about 8-9 songs. We are really tight now and we had the levels correct last night, I hope that will be the same case tonight. We could go down really well if we concentrate and are tight enough.

Got on great again with harding last night and she seems to be completely fine with my actions thursday night ( god knows why cos I was a right twat ). I just sent her a message apologizing in advance for my pissed actions that I might perform tonight.

It's 2.40 in the afternoon now and I'm struggling to get my online work finished. It's taking ages and I've been talking to harding.

Sunday


Yep, its sunday and I forgot to publish yesterdays post. The gig has been and I'm completely wrecked. This is it, from this moment onwards I am going straight - I promised harding I would only drink with her and I intend to stick to that promise. The gig went ok - one big f**k up but that does not matter, we were quite good overall and well received.

Been speaking to harding this morning for about 3 hours or so then she stopped suddenly. Just messaged her again and waiting for the reply ( hopefully ). I've done nothing productive today - a complete waste of my time. I'm trying to get stuff done but I'm completely knackered, not looking good. Anyways, it's 5.23 in the evening and she hasn't got back in contact with me yet. I'm to f**ked to carry on with this post so I'm gonna call it a day for now, I'm in bits lol.

Oh Dear, Messed Up Again

What a mess. I drunk a whole bottle of vodka last night and I was wankered. What makes the whole thing worse is the fact that I spoke to harding online - yes, you've guessed it, I f**ked up! Give me strength - why oh why oh why do I do these things. I am now in a hate war with alcohol and I intend to win. Tomorrow night is the gig and once that's over I intend to meet up with harding and try and sort my life out once and for all. That is, if she ever talks to me again!


I feel like shit and I am so embarrassed I just don't know what to do with myself - I was on fire, what a twat! I really don't know why she continued conversing with me for so long - I was completely sozzled at some points and I took everything she said the wrong way. I'm having a nightmare here.

Anyway, I got up and went for a run which practically killed me dead. I feel a little better now but I really overdid it. I sent a message to harding this morning admitting I had drunk last night and to apologize, now it's back to the waiting game again. THE WAITING GAME AGAIN! I'm so tired of playing the waiting game, so tired. I've got to arrange to meet her ( if she still wants to ) before I completely screw this thing up. It's the only thing I have in my life other than my son.

As you may have gathered  I am not in any way feeling positive. Far from it actually. I'm off to the co-op now to get some nice liquids in and maybe some lunch and will finish this doomed post later lol.

It's 4.23 in the afternoon and harding has replied to me twice ( thank you god ). I've apologized three times now and she seems alright with it. I've brought up the first meeting again and I asked her what normal people do - turns out after shes sorted out the kids shes pretty much knackered and does f**k all. Turns out she took no offense to what I was rambling on about last night but that really has taught me a lesson - no more mate! You need to grow up.

OK, Panic Over

Yeah, panic over. Harding contacted me last night when responding to my message. She had fallen asleep the  night before and had not had the chance to contact me. That'll teach me - two days of lack of positive feelings down to nothing - a waste of two days!!!! I must learn a lesson from this. Suffice to say I'm more than happy now today. We talked until after midnight last night and got on famously again - I even got the chance to throw a few compliments at her.

It's 8am in the morning and I haven't long back from the night shift. I got about 5 hours sleep which isn't that bad really but I'm feeling tired now. I'm waiting to take my car back down the garage to finally get it finished, this is the 3rd thursday morning in a row I've had to wait up for this f**king garage to open.

Harding just messaged me ( 8 in the morning lol ) and I sent her a humorous message back. F**k I love chatting with her. I really want to go for a run today so I hope this garage does not keep my bike for to long. I really need to fit in a bit of decent work today to. 2 days to go and counting to this bloody gig - once it's over I do not think I'll be doing one any time soon again.

It's 5.13 in the evening and I've not long come back from my run. I'm really starting to feel and see the benefits of this exercise now. When I got out of the car after the run I bumped into the bass player from my band and I couldn't stop talking. On a real high after every period of exercise and it is helping me remain positive but hell do I ache now today!

Hardings just messaged me again as I write this - tends to be happening more and more frequently. I have not done enough work today online ( again ). I'm finding it harder and harder to get enough done and I don't want to be stuck working in security for the rest of my life. I going upstairs at six to get at least an hour of my music recorded - it's getting better and I'm pleased with the results so far. It's very alternative music but that's the way I like it these days. The music I do with my band is a lot different, much more rock induced and heavy. I'm actually still a little nervous about this gig Saturday, I hope we get the outdoor stage instead of the inside room - outside will suit us much better.

Not Happy

Well as the title says I'm unhappy - completely unhappy today because of one reason. I sent harding a message last night which facebook says she saw and there was no answer whatsoever! She saw the message for f**ks sake and no reply - not even an explanation. She may have been unavailable but we had arranged to chat last night ( like we do every night ). I really hope I'm jumping the gun here, I hope she was unavailable then to tired to reply, I hope that her facebook messaging service is still working, f**k this is horrible.

It's 10.17 in the morning here and I slept about 5 hours on the job last night ( maybe more ) and when I got home I kipped an extra 1.5 hours till about 9.40. I'm dressed and ready to go for a run in a bit to get rid of this horrible feeling I have shooting through me. I only found out yesterday that stress can aid weight gain - just what I need man! I am really pissed here and not at all positive in any way shape or form. Just glanced at my hand and saw the faded POS there ( got to remember to look at this all day now ).

Well it's 10.45 and POS is not bloody working and I'm feeling down. I'm not that even worried about the gig this weekend ( which I should be ). Turns out by the time we set up we will only have about half an hour to gig ( thank god cos a few of the songs I'm not that familiar with ). This afternoon I'm defo going to find an hour spare to get some music done. I'm online now and have very little work done thus far - probably because of my mindset.

It's 1.20 lunchtime and hardings expensive body wash has arrived so I may use a picture of it as I contact her tonight. Getting pretty desperate eh! I could almost laugh at myself at the moment - not good at all, self esteem and confidence draining from my again. I'm off to do a bit of recording that I promised myself now, will finish off this posting later.

Hello again, well it's 3.40 and I've managed to get over an hour done in my mini-studio upstairs. Pretty chuffed really and feeling a little better. I've got a few decent songs up their now and more importantly they are my songs - my songs which nobody else is going to touch. Just scanned facebook and notice the lead guitarist from the band has been commenting on my band posts saying I never play guitar I just do the easy part - writing songs! That is the final nail in the coffin, from now onwards my band will come second fiddle to my own solo efforts.

Sent a picture message to harding with the body product she wanted and so far no response. I don't want to seem selfish and I hope everything's alright with her - I am really getting a little bit worried here! Please contact me ARRGHHHHHHHH! I hate the not knowing - it sucks. But we have been getting on great and have talked nearly every night since she came back from France. We have even arranged to meet for coffee and then another date for 'chinese'. So always replies to all my messages but for some reason last night she viewed my message but did not choose to reply. God, I hope she's alright - this is fast turning out to be a real nightmare, I hope her family are alright to ( I just don't know what to think ).

Enough of this nightmare for today - I'm going to get ready for my nightshift so I'm going to cut this short - I've just about said everything I needed to say today and I'm feeling slightly more positive for saying it!

Not Enough Time In The Day

Good day to you all! It's 3.50 in the afternoon and I'm desperately trying to get a load of work done before I have to go to work at about 6.20pm. There are not enough hours in the day at the moment. Not feeling greatly positive as this band I'm in are proceeding to drive me up the wall. I'm the only qualified musician in this band and I am watching them make fundamental mistakes with all my music ( I write just about everything ).

This is sounding like a proper rant and rave but once this gig is out of the way I'm going back to writing and producing my own music and then sell it 50/50 for myself and charity. There, I feel a little better now! Went for an extra long run this morning to make sure I am tired enough to sleep at work tonight. I hope I'm able to contact harding tonight ( not like last tues ) but to make sure I'll send her a message through facebook before I leave.

Feeling a little down because of all this band crap and the fact that I have not got enough work done online this weekend. Going to write POS on my hand now and pull myself together. Just written it on my hand and began cooking my food for work tonight - I'm getting worse by the minute though lol. I wish I could just grab the drummer and go off by myself using him on my music - oh well, in a perfect world eh!

Wordpress, the website builder I use is on the fritz today to - I'm having problems getting anything completed with it. Again, oh well, in a perfect world. At some point here today I'm going to try and get to my top floor and fit in about 30 mins of time on my music - see if I can't get some positive vibes out of doing that. After all, it's all I've got left after I leave this nightmare of a band behind.

England Lose On Penalties Again

Hey everyone, apologies for the no-show yesterday but I really did not have the time and as you can tell by the heading I was watching the England match again. England lose on penalties again and are out of the Euros - pretty predictable but there you go. Spent a lot of time talking to harding and now we are throwing compliments at each other and talking until late every night.

It's all getting pretty exciting and I find I'm forgetting all about being positive because I am so excited. Is this a good thing? I think so, I hope so! I did drink again last night but I was watching the match so that's it until next Saturday - no drink. Yeah, next Saturday my band are playing at a festival and I'm now getting pretty nervous about that. I'm probably going to turn myself down on stage and hope nobody hears my mistakes lol.

It's late at night now and I've been frantically trying to get enough work done today - what I've done is good but I could probably have done more if I had put my mind to it. Been pretty positive today and I've done something foolish that I hope will help my karma and get me in there with harding lol. I've purchased her some expensive cosmetic products that she thinks I can get for free ( which I can't any longer! ). It's cost me a little over £26 but she is a single mother of two kids and I think she more than deserves it. I can't afford it but f**k it, it's a really nice thing for me to do and I think it will help me in the long run. Been talking to her all night again and we're getting along just fine - even got myself a chinese date as well as a coffee!!!!!

Well guys, I'm not gonna mess about - I'm pretty tired. This is it for today and I look forward to a positive tomorrow. Night.

Hangover

Well I'm pretty shagged out due to the amount of vodka consumed last night. Ridiculous really but what can you do? Practice wasn't to bad but hell am I regretting drinking now - can't even believe I managed to turn the laptop  on and type. Sent a message to harding about 1am this morning - don't really know if that was a good idea or not. I was rambling on about her in practice last night and now I'm pretty embarrassed ( really embarrassed actually ). She hasn't replied to my message and now I'm paranoid shes met someone else - what is wrong with me, if she has I still have to remain positive and trudge on.

Got to give myself an injection of positive stuff today - feeling a little down here and that's no good. I just stumbled across this website and decided to post what they have said:

acronym: PABs  • noun : The feelings of uselessness, embarrassment, and general depression that accompany a hangover.  Typically linked to blackoutdrinking.


Explains a lot really doesn't it? I am feeling all these things this morning and I'm not happy about it. The article also carries on with..........


The topic of Post Alcohol Blues (PABs) has come up frequently in previous articles.  While vomiting, headaches, and lethargy are the prime physicalcharacteristics of a hangover, PABs constitute the hellish mental and emotional symptoms.  Typical thoughts during PABs include: “Why does everyone hate me?”, “I’m never drinking again.”, and “What is the point of it all anyways?”  The emotional holocaust created by PABs can get to be quite ridiculous.  You may find yourself embarrassed to answer phone calls from your friends, unable to make eye contact, or crying over your cat that died in elementary school.


That is so well written and so true isn't it? 


It's 3.38 in the afternoon now and I've just returned from a sober band practice. My son's due to be dropped off any minute by my ex-wife ( the cow! ). harding still hasn't contacted me so I'm actually thoroughly pissed off - I even had a drunken conversation with band members last night about her, am I starting to look like a bit of a fool? my sons here with me tonight so he should take my mind off things - a little nutter. 


Constantly forgetting to feel positive today - not good really. I think it has something to do with the alcohol in my system which is making me a little depressed. I think it's harding getting to me a little. Having trouble remembering how to feel positive here. I think I'm going to have to resort to printing POS on my hand again today, see if it helps. 


Well I forgot to write POS on my hand but I didn't need it. We got back in contact and I'm feeling good - amazing what a girl can do for you. It's 11.05 at night and I'm in the middle of talking to her now. Found out a lot more about her tonight, turns out shes been as unlucky in love as I have been. Seems a lovely girl and I now feel a bit of a twat for being a dick all day - must stay positive through every minute of the day. Gonna call it a day now as I've had enough today and I'm mentally and physically exhausted, good night all!

Talk Talk

It's great to talk! I spent about 3 hours talking to harding online last night and I'm feeling really, really good about it - it's amazing the difference a woman can make to your life. She's a hot one though, going  to cost be a bit of cash to keep up with her but hell - most women that are worth it are going to cost something worthwhile. It's 10.35am and I'm waiting for the old man to come back with the car so I can go for a run. Done a little work because I'm worried how much work I've got through this week, not a lot really!

Well it's 11.06am and my dad still isn't back - getting a little wound up but trying to remain positive. I'm drinking tonight and I've got my son this weekend so this is the last chance for two days I've got to exercise, I must take it. I will probably be eating pizza or take-away tomorrow night as well with my son. I must get some exercise and I'm already running out of time today.

Hello again, it's 3.20 in the afternoon and I've managed to get all of my tasks done except writing this and actually doing some work online. It looks like a slow one in that respect today because I want to get some music recorded in my mini-studio. Feeling a little guilty because I beeped my horn at an old man today when I should of been patience - had his wife in the car to. Not good for my karma rating so I gave a pound to the NSPCC on the way out as a way of making some positive vibes up.

It was really stupid of me and I should of behaved. Now I'm pretty sure I'm doomed to something bad happening to me tonight - probably with harding!!!!! Went for my run and put a lot of effort in but my legs ache a bit now - pity the run didn't stop me from losing my temper with that man. I had the chance to go up to his car and apologize afterwards but I didn't take it. Bad move really and not very positive, got to get a grip and remember what I'm doing here.

I'm a little pissed off today because I checked my physique and I'm unhappy with it. I've basically put to much weight on and I need to work really hard to lose it. The diet and exercise is not really showing yet ( or I was more overweight than I thought I was and I have lost weight ). With all this running I seriously must of lost something and the severe change of diet. Christ I hope so cos there's more hard work to go before I get to the look I want.

As I've been writing this harding has got in contact with me and we've exchanged a couple of messages. Pretty pleased I've got practice tonight as I don't have to sit about wondering what she's up to when she's out.
I've just poured myself my first drink - vodka and bitter lemon ( low calorie lemon ). Quite refreshing and nice. Going to wrap up my online exploits today as I wanted to get some stuff recorded today. All in all it should be a good day but because of my road rage incident I've let myself down - must do better tomorrow mate!

No Car Isolation

Well, the cars finally in the garage getting sorted out and I'm online talking to harding. Got a bit of work done today but not enough really. I'm posting this reasonably late today ( 9.45 ) as I'm a bit all over the place. Harding keeps on telling me she wants tiffanys diamonds - we're only having a laugh but it's starting to worry me, I need to earn more money lol.

Managed to get a run in today using my dads car to get to the route. My dads deathtrap I should say, the bonnet does not close properly and the power steering's gone. It gets you from A to B though, just about. Been pretty positive today - got held up by a herd of cows after my run but managed to keep my temper in check and even waved to the farmer as I was passing afterwards. Just got another message off this bird - she won't let it go - she  wants tiffanys diamonds at some point or another!

Well it's 9.47pm and I'm still in a conversation with harding. Not much work getting done here but I love talking to her - even if it's gonna cost my wallet in the long run lol. She actually just made me laugh out loud but that's enough about her tonight - if anyone's reading this they're gonna get pretty bored lol. Tomorrow is going to be a bit of a struggle when it comes to working as I've no car again and I've got band practice at 6.30pm. I'm going to try to get a bit more work done tonight but I'm now in a complete conversation with harding - loving it! Good day at the moment and I'm feeling pretty positive although I've been pushed for time - I hope tomorrow is as good as today - I f**king love this girl, now all I gotta do is get over meeting her.

My Phone Is Hopeless

Don't really want to start today off with a rant but I'm afraid I'm gonna. My phone is shit - no two ways about it. It's a Blackberry so it should be up to standard but last night it let me down again. I arranged with harding to contact her after nine last night and when the time came - no internet service on my phone. For f**ks sake it worked not more than two hours before I was due to contact her - why now? What made matters worse is when I finally laid back to rest and get some sleep emails kept coming through but it was to late to contact her. It was really difficult to remain positive but I just about managed it.

I hated being stuck out there in the car and not being able to contact her - it's horrible! I wasn't even worrying about the meet because I was so worried about not contacting her. To make matters worse she waited til about 9.20pm then sent me a message - a message I did not see until about 6.15am. Replied to her at that time cos I know she gets up about seven. I got home and went to grab an hour's snooze and within that hour she contacted me with a funny message about how she was late and she was busy on facebook messaging me!

I love the way she tried to contact me when it was obvious I was not messaging me - shows she's starting to think the same way I am to ( or maybe she has been all along and I'm to much of a dick to spot it ). I hope to god I get signal tonight! I managed to go for a run this morning due to the fact that I got a lot of work done last night. It was a decent, longer run again and I hope it shows up on my physique soon. I'm sort of on a mini diet to as I mentioned the other day. Last night I bought a lot of food for my shift but it was all low in saturated fats. I eat the lot, not surprising really but it was much lower in fat than my usual nightly stash. The only problem is that is cost over £5! Much more than usual but I will lose weight if I stick to it.

It's 5 past four and shes just sent me another message - funny, about never being ready and always being late no matter how early she gets up - I sent a minor apology for messaging so early. I'm not going to harp on to much today cos I'm in between night shifts and not to much has really happened. I'm desperately trying to get some work done but I can't see it being to much of a productive day. Never mind, as long as I stay positive.

Filling Out Forms

Hey guys, another day another dollar - in other words I'm back at the racecourse tonight on consecutive night shifts. Been for a run ( a longer run than normal cos I'm still paranoid about my weight and meeting harding ). Got to try and fill in my SIA form today so I'm probably going to pop up to my fathers to get him to help me - one f**k up on these forms and it's another wait to do one again. It's a right pain in the ass but it needs to be done, I'm currently working without a license!

Rob just called and gave me the £20 he owes me - happy days. That's £18 towards the money I owe Jase the Bass and £2 for me to get some lunch. Feeling really positive today but there's still that nagging feeling of disappointment and worry she won't like me - I've even put myself on a diet, I hope this is right because I'm not sure if a diet is a positive move or not - it's got to be a positive thing really ( hasn't it ).

The run has helped today but I'm sore man, really sore. It gives me a great start to the day, it's just a shame that I am unable to pull it off over the two night shift period. I may give it a try tomorrow if I get enough sleep through the night. Have not done to much work yet ( except writing this blog and finishing a blog post on my new site ) and I probably won't get to much done the way things are going.

Hey! It's 5.00pm now and I haven't really done much work on my form filling escapade. I haven't really got that much work done either which is a little bit of a worry really! The work I have done is on an Unexplained Store page on my site - My under construction Unexplained site . I'm pretty pleased with it so far but there is a lot more information to go up yet - a lot more. Not really looking forward to work but I can't really complain - after all I will only listen to the England match on the radio then watch a couple of dvd's, then fall asleep lol.

The job down the foss las racecourse will be ending soon so I should really make the most of it. Hopefully my online exploits will improve so I don't need to do two nights of security a week ( fingers crossed ). Once this site is finished I do not know where I'm going next - not back to Glyn-neath in the mine - no way! The other posts and sites tend to be shite so I do not want to end up there, my online work will suffer. So I'm going to wrap this up for today and get through a few PTC sites before I go to work. I am positive but I'm also a little worried - but what would life be if we didn't challenge ourselves. See you tomorrow.

Worried and Excited

Like the title says, I'm a little worried and I'm a little excited even though there is no set date for me and hardings meeting yet. I mean I am physically feeling sick at times LOL. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her face and only wish there was alcohol involved instead of fucking coffee. I just had to get up and walk around the room again as I'm getting really worried - for f**ks sake, what is wrong with me.

I visited a mate in Gorslas this morning and had a smoke with him - long drive home, believe me - and not the way I really should be starting off a day with. Came back and did some work and then went for a run. The run was a bit longer than I normally do because I'm paranoid that I'm gonna appear a little overweight - now my right foot hurts. Brilliant, this better not stop me from running tomorrow as the night shifts start and this is the last chance for two days to get a run under my belt. I have also learned that kebabs are actually more fattening than chips ( and chips ain't that cool either ) so I'm going to stay away from both from now on, don't know what I'm going to eat tomorrow night but it will be healthy. Tonight it's salad, jacket potato and fish cakes - healthy and low on fat ( this is how paranoid I am to lose weight before I meet her ).

Well it's 10.30 at night and I'm getting really tired here. I'm messaging harding as I type this - going back and forth here lol. We're getting on fine and I think she realizes that I'm a little nervous bout the 'meet'. I just hope she gives me a chance man! shes just told me shes about after nine tomorrow so I can chat with her from work - tidy. I would say I am positive but I'm still a little worried about this meet. Silly really, I saw this girl, I liked this girl, I want this girl - just meet her and pull her - do your best mate lol.

Late Start

Hi, late start today as I've had a bit to do, it's 5.05pm here. Got up and sent a few messages to harding then went straight out for a run ( which turned out alright considering I drank a bit if beer last night ). Last night! I think we should start there first. Well it happened, harding invited me up to her house to drink wine and eat chinese food. And what did I do? I said my car was in the garage - I jibbed out completely!

Why did I do this? I don't really know, I feel a bit of a prat today though. I needed more time to sort my head out and prepare. If I knew a week or two in advance I could turn up and sell myself much better. Sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn't it, I waited and worked towards this and when it finally came I completely f**ked it up. I sent a few messages last night apologizing and throwing compliments her way but I really think I've cocked up here. Her exact words were 'I could do with some good company tomorrow night'. I know, I know - I'm a complete idiot. She seemed a little down-hearted afterwards and I'm not really surprised. I messaged her this morning and she replied twice. I said I was going to bombard her with compliments as way of an apology for not being able to get to Milford. This was the first message compliment I sent her, and I quote:

'Alright, it's about one a clock so I'll start from here - the only reason that bird is doing shite behind your back and then lying about it is because she's jealous, jealous about the fact that your probably about 10 times better looking than her and a nicer person. She probably has to paint her face in a ton of makeup every morning whereas you need none to look that good. Compliment No. 1 out of the way!'


There has been no response to this message yet but she could well be out shopping or with the family - I really don't know but I have an awful feeling I really have messed this up. As you can imagine it's been pretty hard to stay positive today after all this but I'm not doing to bad - just remembered I have not written POS on my left hand today so I'm about to do it now. Done!

Man I wish she would reply, if she doesn't I will have to try sending her another compliment tonight about 7, after all she's supposed to be in tonight eating chinese and drinking a bottle of wine ( and I'm the twat that is supposed to be sitting next to her - idiot, idiot, idiot! I've bought a couple of bottles of red wine to drink as I talk to her tonight but to be honest I'm beginning to think she might go elsewhere after my ridiculous snub. The whole point of this blog was to change my life and grab these types of opportunities with both hands and what have I done - completely the opposite. God help me I hope I get to talk to her tonight.

ITS SUNDAY and I messed up the post for yesterday - forgot to hit publish! There is a reason for this - harding. Yep, harding got hold of me and we talked until the early hours of the morning and I feel pretty good about things. I apologized and was truthful about why I could not turn up last night and she was great about it - she probably appreciated the honesty. The only thing is that I told her I could get a free ipod for her son while I can't! I felt guilty so it's the least I can do and shes really helping me turn my life round! But it's gonna cost me at least £80!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not good but I should of met her last night - it's my own fault. Anyway, we've agreed to meet in carmarthen and it seems pretty cool ( I'm already shitting myself and I must run more often to get more in shape! ). She's already messaged me this morning and I have replied, back to the waiting game but hell I'm one happy boy today.

Hey guys, it's 9.35 at night and Holland are about to go out of the Euros at the group stage. Me and harding have been in contact for most of the day again, this time trying to decide where to meet. We ( or she ) has decided on a roadside roadhouse in Whitland. I'm starting to get a little nervous about meeting her so I'm going to have to do some extra positivity exercises and quick. I talk to her all the time online but what the hell happens when we meet, will I freeze? Fuck I hope not!!

So it looks like it's all guns blazing for me - shit or bust, win or lose! I hope to hell she takes to me and I don't freeze up. Positive thoughts mate, positive thoughts. See you tomorrow!

The Waiting Game

Morning all - I say morning but it's actually 5 minutes to one, lunchtime. Got up and went for a run ( in the middle of the storm of the century ) so things are a little late for me so far today. England are playing in the Euros tonight so I'm not sure how much 'decent' work I'm going to get done today. Haven't even touched my new website today yet and in a few minutes I'm popping over to Kidwelly to get some beer in for the match tonight. Felling pretty positive so far today and that's probably down to the run - always seems to work!

Why is it that the more enjoyment and effort you put into something the harder it becomes to reach your goals. For example, this new website - I love the niche it's in and enjoy writing for it but it seems like I'm more and more running out of time to work on it. Maybe I'll have a bit more luck tomorrow, I hope so because it has the ability to be a successful site - I'm already getting visitors every day and it's nowhere near completed. Here is a link to the site - My Paranormal Site!. Secondly, this girl - harding as I now refer to her ( the hot teacher ) we're getting on famously and are now in contact for long periods every night. Why is it so hard for me to ask her out? I've already done it in jest and she seemed fine with it - why don't I just close the deal already? Ridiculous.

Ok, back again. It's now 5.40pm and I have to admit I've been wound up more than once today - so much for positive thinking eh! Firstly, I had a minor case of road rage - maybe it's time we made people over 65 do some sort of road test to make sure they are able to handle 21century driving. I know that sounds drastic but the old **** that blocked a complete seaside road off today as he waited for a train to pass.........I'll stop there, I was just about to say something that would have surely caused me bad karma.

Second thing to wind me up today - Wealthy Affiliate University. This is the where I learned how to build websites and general internet marketing. Great place to learn but plenty of unseen costs popping up that I wish they would highlight to begin with. No seriously - the only place to learn how to earn online but as with everything worthwhile these days - it will take time and a little outlay. Third reason to be wound up today - just sat down to watch the first match of the Euros today ( France V Ukraine ) and within 5 minutes it was called off because of lightning! Lightning for f**ks sake, when has that ever happened before. Suffice to say I have got my positive hat back on and I should really wait until I ( maybe ) manage to get hold of harding tonight ( please, please be able to get hold of her lol ). The match is actually starting off again so I'll close this laptop lid for a bit and finish the post off a bit later..........

.................ok, it's near the end of the match now, France 2 Ukraine 0, bit of a pity considering the Ukraine are one of the hosts, oh well. England match is starting shortly so I thought I'd get this in before the match started as the beer will be flowing during lol. I've just sent a message to harding - no idea whats gonna happen there - maybe the 'how am I going to get this DVD to you' question was a bit to much! Never know and never mind - I will rectify it. Just written the POS on my hand as it got washed off earlier on. Considering the way I've behaved at times today that's the least I can do.

Positive, got to be positive so for the remainder of tonight I'm gonna be just that. Nothing will go my way unless I continue on this path - I was doing so well before and now I got a little lax. I was getting caught up in the progressive relationship with harding and neglecting the real reason I am doing this. P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E. I haven't received a message back from harding yet and already I'm slipping. Come on mate, it's only been about 10 mins. This is what I'm up against. F**king ridiculous

We Had 'That' Night

Ok guys, it's 8.05 in the morning and I'm waiting to take my car back down the garage for repairs. Good day yesterday, very good day. Contacted harding last night and she was well up for a chat. We messaged each other constantly until about 11 at night and we didn't stop - we had 'that night'. She laughed, we both joked and I even brought up the subject of meeting her ( which was only a joke but she seemed cool with it ). I think shes great, I love talking to her and she is putting an extra spring in my step and filling me with positive vibes.

I'm pretty tired ( even though I got about 5 hours sleep ) but I have to hang on another half an hour or so to take the car down. Feeling really good at the moment - shame she has to work as I'd love to talk to her again right now. But I must be patient, I'm doing all the right things and it's working out for me - using positive feelings and prayer.

It's now 3.33 in the afternoon and I've completed another page for my website - I'm determined to make this site a success and I'm going for a LOT of pages on this site. They will be 'hidden' pages so the navbar and the site will not be to overcrowded - you will only be able to get to these hidden pages through direct links on the main pages. Not contacted harding yet but that will come later - don't want to push my luck after last night went so well.

This blog is actually getting visitors but not to many unfortunately - No-one has signed up as a follower yet but that may come in time, after all this site is a record of my improvement - nothing more. I'm probably boring the shite out of people lol. Footie starts at 5.00 tonight with Croatia v Italy ( I'll actually get to watch it tonight because no work -yeah! ). Must get some more work done on my website and also another website I own ( a free one ). Gonna cut this a little short and finish the post later tonight - wish me luck!!!!

Hey all, It's about 11 at night now and I've got quite a bit done. Worked on two websites ( a page on each ) cut and dyed my hair ( to get rid of the f**cking grey! ) spoke to my best mate in Chicago and had a conversation with harding. Not as smooth as last night but we had a bit of a laugh again. She wants to borrow an illegal copy of that new snow white film off me and I've asked her how we're going to manage that - the answer should be interesting. I might see if I can send a large file to her through email or something to keep the pressure off her a bit, besides the lending of the films and the back and forward contact will only work in my favor.

Starting to watch a horror film called 'frayed' on the horror channel so I'm gonna wrap today up. Overall feeling reasonably positive and stable, hope it stays that way. Goodnight.

Back Home

Morning everyone! It's 7.30 in the morning here and I've not that long ago got home from a night shift. The guy  taking over my post turned up a whole hour early - happy days. I am feeling positive but last night did not go to well with harding, in fact I decided to cut the conversation short after about 3 messages. I sort of got the feeling we had conversed to much the day before and I found it hard to reply to her final message. I'll see how things go today but I will remain positive - no matter what.

Going to try and get a bit of work done on the new site today - only getting about 5 visitors per day at the moment but it is unfinished. Once I have completed a few more pages I will add a few articles pointing towards the site. Feeling a bit blurry eyed here so I'll come back to finish this entry later today!

Well it's 4.46pm and I nearly forgot to finish this blog off today - I've been hard at work and I've got a new page started on my new site and I've also sent in an article for moderation. Glad I got so much sleep last night in work ( nearly 6 hours and I could of slept on ). It was a bit dodgy though - I woke at 5.45am and then one of the supervisors turned up at 6.00am - an hour early. Close shave but I got to finish my shift early. May have to adjust the alarm on my phone for tonight's exploits.

Have not proceeded any further contact with harding ( shes in work anyway ). Will probably try to contact her tonight but I'm getting a little pissed off with it all. It's me doing all the contacting - shes only contacted me twice! Don't know what that means yet but if I could find a way to ask her 'what next' at least I'd get an honest answer and I will be able to make a move or indeed move on. I'm not going to let this get me down though. I will not let another woman rip me to shreds - life is way to short after all. Well the footie's starting and I need to roll up a few for tonight at work. I'll leave you for another day now - remember, stay positive!

She's Back And I'm Happy

Yeah, damn right - 2.00 in the morning she got back and took the time to send me a message saying she found the message funny. FUNNY for f**ks sake! And I'd been worrying all week about that message, come on. I feel like I've been lifted to new heights and god damn it I feel positive. Right, now I've got to make some sort of move - come on boy, pull your finger out.

So how the hell do I do this without scaring her off? First things first I've got to send her a message today, something witty in reply, I have an idea so I'm about to send it. Yep, just sent it - not to bad either if I do say so myself. OK, feeling really positive here - don't even have to write anything on my hand today. I've been for a run today straight after I read her message and I really enjoyed it - bit of a tight chest again though.

The England match is on today and it's my birthday tomorrow so I think I'll have more than a few beers tonight. After all, I am working tomorrow on my birthday. My chest is starting to piss me off a bit - back on the false fag again tonight. Hell, I don't really know what to say here today as the contact from the girl in my phone has given me such a boost I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to leave things for a while and get to work on my new website, will speak again later.

Well - this has cocked things up! Started drinking to watch the match and forgot to publish my post - it's now the 12th ( My birthday ). After the match I contacted harding and spoke with her ( messaged ) for hours til she fell asleep. Got on really well but I was half cut so I hope I did not go to far - she seemed to be enjoying the conversation. Forced myself to be positive yesterday and look at the outcome, things really went well for me and I love the contact with her.

So today is my birthday! 37, pretty old now. This is why I needed to change my life now. This is also why I need to make this work with harding. Have to remain positive and upbeat today regardless of the feeling of getting old. I went for a run with a hangover this morning, made the run ok but now I ache from head to foot. Still it will benefit me in the long run and will help me sleep in the car at work tonight.

That's right, I'm working on my birthday! Got to keep the money coming in as I owe one of my mates £180 quid. I've also got a stag night in mid Wales coming up which is going to cost me a pretty penny. May get some cash off my parents today though, birthday and all that.

So tired  at the moment - that runs wiped me out completely. Gotta pop out to get some lunch and stuff so I'll finish this post later.

It's now 3.38 in the afternoon and I'm completely shagged out. It's hard to feel positive when I feel so damn tired. Desperately been trying to remain awake so that I can sleep in the car tonight. Got the red POS printed on my left hand again - have not looked at it much today as I've been to tired to notice. Done a bit of work on the website but not to much - need to make up for this tomorrow.

No contact from harding yet but that's ok - I wonder if facebook has notified her it's my birthday, best not to open that can of worms mate! If she does not get in touch I will contact her a bit later on tonight. Time to wrap this double post up, I'm in need of a smoke and a coffee. Going to stay positive though and live in hope that I didn't go to far last night. See you tomorrow.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

hello, it's Sunday morning and I'm feeling a little bit more positive than yesterday ( so far ). My son woke me up at 7.00am this morning and that's becoming quite a bit of a culture shock to say the least. Just checked my emails and the dating site have thrown me a few matches. It's the same site where I met Harding but I really don't know whats going on with her so I should probably keep my options open ( positive ).

Going out for a birthday lunch with my mum and my son at half 12, pretty sad really but it'll do - turns out I'm working on my birthday anyway! Just sent a icebreaker to a girl form ponty, another positive move to start the day off. My sons driving me mad with the Xbox at the moment. Going to have to move and get him changed for lunch and finish this entry a little later.

Hello, again, lunch over and I'm back online, my mums just taken my son down the beach so I have a little time to myself ( I love him to bits but he's like a nutter - he never stops ). Still no contact from Harding ( the girl in my phone ) but that's starting to not really surprise me, gotta stay positive though. Sent a few icebreakers out to new girls but no reply, guess that's ok though - I'm not really sure how well that site works. Basically, it's a free dating site.

I've got a lot of work to do tonight if it's at all possible. Might have to spend some time booking some tickets for Oakwood with my mum. Oakwoods a local theme park with rides and all that. It's been two weeks since I started out on this journey properly. What's the verdict? Well it's been up ad down really - the first week I was excellent, the second week has be a struggle to remain positive. It's probably no coincidence that Harding buggered off to Paris for the second week, no coincidence at all really! If I find some way around this girl maybe things will go a little smoother - the problem is entering a new relationship is supposed to be part of this journey!

It's hard to stop talking today - I'm feeling that f**ked up with things and I'm so up and down. Constantly looking at my left hand to remind myself to remain positive, things will get better, THINGS WILL GET BETTER. It's only 3.33 in the afternoon and I feel like I can ramble on all day. Going cut this post short again cos I've got a bit of work to do before my son gets back ( then I've got to drive him home ). Speak to you later, stay positive!

Thought you got rid of me eh? Not so lucky. Well it's 10.30 at night and harding's back in the country ( well her mobile's online anyway. No contact whatsoever so I'm unsure whether she got that awful message or not. She's probably tired - at least I hope so. Either way I'm staying positive. This really is it for today, I'm signing off. I hope tomorrow brings some joy but if it does not I am determined to stay on track!

OK, Starting to Freak Out A Bit

Yeah, as the title states - I'm starting to freak out a bit. Can't remember if harding ( the girl in my phone ) said she was back on the Saturday or Sunday and I'm, f**king missing her. This is ridiculous - I've spent most of the day pretty positive but there's this nagging shite going on in the back of my mind, 'what happens if she's back already', 'what happens if she does not want to contact me again' etc, etc. It's all pretty stupid really but it's clouding my mind.

My sons been with me since lunchtime today, he's lying on the couch watching 'blot' at the moment. he should really be in bed but I let him go later as a treat when he's in my house. I've had a great day with him but in the back of my mind that girl has got under my skin - absolutely ridiculous! I wish she would just contact me and get this over and done with.

I'm writing all this at 9.12 at night cos my sons been my main focus of attention all day. I must admit that I'm feeling a little unhappy with all this even though I have been trying to remain positive all day. I've still got POS printed on my hand but the heavy feeling in my gut is dragging me down - gotta get over this and back on track. It's just that I feel I am ready to move on and be an adult again - I feel I have a lot more to offer than ever before. There's no getting away from the fact that I'm alone and I don't want to be any longer - I need to move on and improve all aspects of my life.

This is not a great post - I'm aware of that but I need to get it all down, this is a journey after all. GOT TO START FEELING POSITIVE AGAIN RIGHT NOW! Ok, maybe feeling a little better now, blogging is a type of therapy after all. Have not managed to catch any of the footie matches today for obvious reasons, gonna watch the highlights tonight.

It's now 10.07 at night - my son fell asleep on the couch so I carried him up to bed. Highlights are on at 10.15 so I may have to shut down the PC for a while. Feeling slightly better after writing all this, got to keep the positive mindset. I've obviously taken a shine to this girl, I feel as if I've always known her. But I must prepare myself for the disappointment of it turning out to be nothing - a flash in the pan that was positive whilst it lasted.

Feeling kinda sick in my stomach - a sort of nervous feeling. I know this is not good and not positive. The more I tell myself to be positive today the more further away from it I'm getting ( f**king irritating ). Sorry this post has been so dark, I suspect there will be a few more dark ones before my journeys end.

Euro 2012 Starts Today

So this is it, Euro 2012 starts today - about 3 weeks of football!. This puts a smile on my face, it's just a shame Wales never qualify for these tournaments. It's 11.58 in the morning and I've not long come back from a run and bath. I wish I could say it's made me feel good but it has not - I have a tight chest and have been coughing up since finishing the run ( I've gotta cut back on the smoking again! ). I planned to have a few beers tonight but I know I will end up smoking more, another wake up call.

I got up feeling positive, now I'm feeling a little downtrodden. It was raining hard out but I don't think that had anything to do with my chest. To much weed smoked yesterday, it's the only answer - and I had a fag this morning with my coffee before my run. Still no contact form the girl in my phone but lets be honest, I didn't expect any really. Just been on facebook and there's no messages ( sad face! ). On a brighter note my best mate who lives in Chicago now has had a baby boy and he has also named him my name!! Turns out the kid is a Gemini like me to!

As well as this, another boy I grew up with has finally signed the divorce papers today. He posted on Facebook and I think he's a little down. I sent him a reply to his post and hopefully it's cheered him up a little, I'm not that close with him so I won't be joining him for a beer - I got things to do. I suddenly feeling a little jealous and down because of my mate in Chicago, I want a bigger family, I want a meaningful relationship. I can't find one - the only chance I have at the moment is the girl on my phone and I've never even met her face to face before, how fucking sad is that!

Got to think positive and erase these feelings from my head. I have not had the time to do any work on my new site today so maybe that's got something to do with it. Gotta pop over to the nearest town and get some beer and food for tonight - I've also got to stop and get my dad to fix my sons car seat.

It's now 5.08pm and the first footie match of the Euros has started. Managed to get the booster chair fixed by my dad's mate, Peter. Got some good SEO work done on my new site so it's all up to date now and looking good. The girl in my phone ( harding ) has still not got in contact but is due back tomorrow. I've got my son with me tomorrow so I'm not gonna hang round waiting for her to contact me ( seriously!!! ).

The host nation, Poland have just scored and the game is quite good so far - Poland and Greece attacking. I'm on my second beer ( pacing myself well so far ) and I'm using one of those false fags to smoke. I will not promise another entry on this post tonight as I cannot guarantee I will be sober. We'll see.