Feeling Tired

Final night shift of the week over thank god, didn't manage much sleep and have a lot of work to get through online today. Considering that, I'm still feeling pretty good. The job is starting to get on my nerves though - I must address that before it turns into a destructive force in my life. What makes the job easier is the contact I have with the girl on my phone every night. She is starting to become a guiding light in my day-to-day exploits.

What's going to happen with this girl - I've got no idea. It's hard to read what happens next, the more contact we have with each other the better we get on with one another. Is she waiting for me to ask? I really can't tell, anyway just our contact is enough at the moment. My karma levels are currently going ok as well - I am not doing anything I judge as 'bad' ( I'm even picking up rubbish/litter behind me ).

Managed to stay awake long enough to get the car down the garage at about 8.30 this am. Stayed in good spirits even though I do not yet know the cost of the damage ( from the van that hit me ) plus the upkeep of the car basics. I'll ring a little later and find out the damage on my wallet. As a side note - I just signed into my paypal account remembering the password is actually a really horrible insult about someone I used to know. This cannot be good for my karma ratings but seeing this person caused me so much pain in my past I am deciding to keep it - karma will just have to live with that particular negative action.

It's now 3.10 in the afternoon and I am having a slow day on the work front. Being tired really is starting to effect my online work. I have had a chance to boost my positive karma by donating a small amount when registering a domain with go-daddy. I neglected to take up this offer as I was not familiar with any of the charities on offer there ( a poor reason but one I am sticking by - I would like to know exactly what a charity is about before I donate ).

On a different subject, the lead guitarist from my band has contacted me through facebook to claim he know's the sister of the girl on my phone. I have to admit this has irritated me a little bit as I do not want anybody to know my business and want to keep this girl separate from my life at present. I hope he is wrong!

O.k, it's 20 to 9 at night now and I'm pretty sure this is going to be my last entry today. Not feeling so tired now, picked up the car, bought a new domain and started building a new website. The car was not good news unfortunately and they only sorted the back brake light out - still got near-illegal treads, no fan heaters and scratches down one side. Even though this has pissed me off a little I am remaining positive. Have not heard from the girl on my phone yet but there's still plenty of time - some nights she doesn't get in contact till after 10. Pretty pumped with this blog and pretty pumped with my new, upcoming website ( which I will provide a link for in a later post ). If I'm honest, I've smoked to much weed today and now I'm a little slow on the work output ( obviously ). Weed is one of the things I have cut down on recently as part of this change of life - don't know why I've smoked so much today, bit of a disappointment really as I have not been feeling down. Must hold back on the smoke tomorrow so I can get extra work done.

The Girl On My Phone

Well, it's 11.30 am and I'm pretty tired after a night shift - I actually got about 5 hours sleep on the job and an extra 2 hours when I got home at about 8 this morning. Being positive has got a little more difficult after my last post yesterday. This is down to the fact that some dumb bitch drove a van into the side of my car about an hour before I was due to leave for work ( I can almost here you laughing from here! ).


The damage is not severe but there is damage there, front right side of the car. I know the girl and get on with her reasonably well. It looks like when things are starting to get better they take a big hit to test my resolve out. I have no idea of the cost of repair yet but she will be covering it.


So suffice to say, by the time I arrived at work I was pretty low. I knew I had to look for something positive to raise my spirits and stay on track. This is where the girl on the phone comes in to play. I do not want to use her full name at present so I'll be calling her 'harding' for the time being. I met her online about 3 weeks ago and have been in contact with her every day since. It's safe to say she is one of the only positive forces in my life at present and she is one of the reasons I decided to start this journey of improvement.


It wasn't easy - we've both had to slowly feel each other out before we've got closer to each other. Besides, she's a Man United supporter and I'm a Liverpool supporter ( not a great start ). Now we are very comfortable with each other and a relationship is starting to develop. I have no idea what this relationship is yet as we have never met but the humor and comfort between us is very positive, I think she feels that to. I asked her to cheer me up ( because of the car incident ) and she simply replied that she had cut her finger whilst trying to peel an apple at work and nearly cried as it hurt that much ( she ended with a 'lol' to ). This was all it took to make me smile and fill me with positive vibes. We proceeded to message each other in conversation for a few hours and I actually had to stop proceedings just before 11 as it was getting late and I was fast running out of things to say!


I feel this great experience with harding last night was all down to me keeping my head and staying positive when the lady who hit my car showed me what she had done. I realized there was no point in losing my temper and I handled it with dignity and a calm head. The girl on my phone is certainly helping me along with this journey and she doesn't even know it. What will happen next with this girl - I don't know. I would like to meet her but I don't think it would be wise yet, patience may well be the key here. That's all for now, I may add another post before I go to work tonight if I manage to find the time. I am well on this journey now and will remain positive to see if I actually can cure my messed up life in Wales. Cheers for now!

Exercise To Beat Depression

So here we go, day two of my journey and things really feel like they're moving now. In this blog entry I want to talk about using exercise to beat depression. Why? I feel depression has at times reinforced the downward spiral in my life and the last couple of years I have used exercise to beat depression on numerous occasions. 


This morning at about 10.20 I started my run - it's about a 2 mile trek along Welsh country 'farm roads'. It's only 2 miles but the gradient of the roads changes constantly and it can become a hard run. Do I feel better from it - hell yeah! Unfortunately because of work commitments I don't get to run more than 2 - 3 times a week.


I feel better, no question about it - it's partly down to the run this morning and partly down to starting this blog off. Is anyone reading it yet - I very much doubt it but the people will come in time and hopefully join me on my journey towards the 'light side' of the force. I'm not just using exercise to beat depression I'm using it for my night shifts as well.


What do I mean by this? Well, twice a week I work night shifts ( 12 hour ) in security and it is a very boring ( but well paid job ). The truth of the matter is I look after items which are far to large to nick! I don't know what I'm doing there and spend half the night watching DVD's on the portable and the other half the night sleeping.


Should I be sleeping? probably not. But there's sod all else to do there. As a rule of thumb getting to sleep in a car is generally much easier if you are tired so using exercise to beat depression also works wonders for your sleeping patterns. Don't think my body is some sort of temple because it's not. All through my adult life I have abused my body on every level known to man - it's a miracle that I'm still alive! Exercise is one way I have to try and extend my life and try and get my body back online.


If you're looking for the type of abuse I went through then stop reading here - that is for a later blog post and this is way to early in the day to be opening up that far. The main point of this post is to highlight depression and highlight it well. As you can see I use exercise to beat depression but others are not so lucky. Depression is very serious and has only contributed to my downfall at times. It's now 1.09 Tuesday lunchtime and I have some upkeep on websites to be getting on with. I will leave it there for now but I might see you a little later in the day if I can fit it in before work tonight. Be positive and do good things.

My Journey Begins Today

So this is where it all starts! I wish I could kick off with a positive quote or saying but I'm afraid I'm nowhere near 'that place' yet. I have been a bad person in life so far, there's no getting away from this and I will never hide from this fact. I'm not saying I'm a demon or I have never done any good in life - I have. It's just that the bad things completely outweigh the good things.


I need to change, I have to change, now is the time to change! This is the 'last chance saloon' and I am lucky to have this chance. Life should be great! I look around me at the Welsh countryside and I'm filled with awe and wonder - this is how it should be all the time shouldn't it? The title of this blog should not put you off - I'm Welsh, that's obvious, but this blog applies to anyone, anywhere.


Just by writing the first two paragraphs I'm already feeling a little better - writing gives me direction and helps me feel a little better. It's pretty hard to know where to start with my story because I cannot remember when I started to go downhill. At a guess I would say it was when I was first arrested aged 10 ( yep, ten! ) for shoplifting with two of my best mates. Lets start things off by explaining what happened yesterday.


Yesterday, me and my 6 year old son were involved in the carrying of the Olympic torch through our area with my old rugby team. Sounds good yeah! It was, at first. I love spending time with my son and to give him this experience was great - he loved it. I thought I would throw in this picture below to show the start of proceedings.

The problem arrived at about half 3 in the afternoon, after the run with the torch. My son had had enough sun and was starting to 'slip' a little so I returned him to his mothers house about thirty miles away. As I was driving back I had one thing on my mind - alcohol. All day long I had watched my mates drinking and I was well aware that I could not ( I do not drink with my son present if I can help it ). I don't drink to be social, I drink to get pissed - no question! 

I got pretty messed up with good friends who I hadn't seen for a while and was still drinking at 2am the next morning ( today ). You see I'm an addict, or, if you prefer, I have an addictive personality - I can get addicted to just about any vice. Instead of working today I spent the whole day lying down on the sofa sweating pure alcohol and feeling dangerously faint. 

Why can I not go out and enjoy myself in regulation - the more far gone I am the more people I irritate or even hurt. I overstepped the line last night and the results could have been a disaster. It's this realization that has led me to create this blog and take note of karma in my life. Are you willing to take this journey with me? I have a hell of a story to tell and a long journey to take - I will pull no punches and I will probably shock you more often or not. This is my last chance and this is something I cannot afford to fail at.