Oh Dear, Messed Up Again

What a mess. I drunk a whole bottle of vodka last night and I was wankered. What makes the whole thing worse is the fact that I spoke to harding online - yes, you've guessed it, I f**ked up! Give me strength - why oh why oh why do I do these things. I am now in a hate war with alcohol and I intend to win. Tomorrow night is the gig and once that's over I intend to meet up with harding and try and sort my life out once and for all. That is, if she ever talks to me again!


I feel like shit and I am so embarrassed I just don't know what to do with myself - I was on fire, what a twat! I really don't know why she continued conversing with me for so long - I was completely sozzled at some points and I took everything she said the wrong way. I'm having a nightmare here.

Anyway, I got up and went for a run which practically killed me dead. I feel a little better now but I really overdid it. I sent a message to harding this morning admitting I had drunk last night and to apologize, now it's back to the waiting game again. THE WAITING GAME AGAIN! I'm so tired of playing the waiting game, so tired. I've got to arrange to meet her ( if she still wants to ) before I completely screw this thing up. It's the only thing I have in my life other than my son.

As you may have gathered  I am not in any way feeling positive. Far from it actually. I'm off to the co-op now to get some nice liquids in and maybe some lunch and will finish this doomed post later lol.

It's 4.23 in the afternoon and harding has replied to me twice ( thank you god ). I've apologized three times now and she seems alright with it. I've brought up the first meeting again and I asked her what normal people do - turns out after shes sorted out the kids shes pretty much knackered and does f**k all. Turns out she took no offense to what I was rambling on about last night but that really has taught me a lesson - no more mate! You need to grow up.

OK, Panic Over

Yeah, panic over. Harding contacted me last night when responding to my message. She had fallen asleep the  night before and had not had the chance to contact me. That'll teach me - two days of lack of positive feelings down to nothing - a waste of two days!!!! I must learn a lesson from this. Suffice to say I'm more than happy now today. We talked until after midnight last night and got on famously again - I even got the chance to throw a few compliments at her.

It's 8am in the morning and I haven't long back from the night shift. I got about 5 hours sleep which isn't that bad really but I'm feeling tired now. I'm waiting to take my car back down the garage to finally get it finished, this is the 3rd thursday morning in a row I've had to wait up for this f**king garage to open.

Harding just messaged me ( 8 in the morning lol ) and I sent her a humorous message back. F**k I love chatting with her. I really want to go for a run today so I hope this garage does not keep my bike for to long. I really need to fit in a bit of decent work today to. 2 days to go and counting to this bloody gig - once it's over I do not think I'll be doing one any time soon again.

It's 5.13 in the evening and I've not long come back from my run. I'm really starting to feel and see the benefits of this exercise now. When I got out of the car after the run I bumped into the bass player from my band and I couldn't stop talking. On a real high after every period of exercise and it is helping me remain positive but hell do I ache now today!

Hardings just messaged me again as I write this - tends to be happening more and more frequently. I have not done enough work today online ( again ). I'm finding it harder and harder to get enough done and I don't want to be stuck working in security for the rest of my life. I going upstairs at six to get at least an hour of my music recorded - it's getting better and I'm pleased with the results so far. It's very alternative music but that's the way I like it these days. The music I do with my band is a lot different, much more rock induced and heavy. I'm actually still a little nervous about this gig Saturday, I hope we get the outdoor stage instead of the inside room - outside will suit us much better.

Not Happy

Well as the title says I'm unhappy - completely unhappy today because of one reason. I sent harding a message last night which facebook says she saw and there was no answer whatsoever! She saw the message for f**ks sake and no reply - not even an explanation. She may have been unavailable but we had arranged to chat last night ( like we do every night ). I really hope I'm jumping the gun here, I hope she was unavailable then to tired to reply, I hope that her facebook messaging service is still working, f**k this is horrible.

It's 10.17 in the morning here and I slept about 5 hours on the job last night ( maybe more ) and when I got home I kipped an extra 1.5 hours till about 9.40. I'm dressed and ready to go for a run in a bit to get rid of this horrible feeling I have shooting through me. I only found out yesterday that stress can aid weight gain - just what I need man! I am really pissed here and not at all positive in any way shape or form. Just glanced at my hand and saw the faded POS there ( got to remember to look at this all day now ).

Well it's 10.45 and POS is not bloody working and I'm feeling down. I'm not that even worried about the gig this weekend ( which I should be ). Turns out by the time we set up we will only have about half an hour to gig ( thank god cos a few of the songs I'm not that familiar with ). This afternoon I'm defo going to find an hour spare to get some music done. I'm online now and have very little work done thus far - probably because of my mindset.

It's 1.20 lunchtime and hardings expensive body wash has arrived so I may use a picture of it as I contact her tonight. Getting pretty desperate eh! I could almost laugh at myself at the moment - not good at all, self esteem and confidence draining from my again. I'm off to do a bit of recording that I promised myself now, will finish off this posting later.

Hello again, well it's 3.40 and I've managed to get over an hour done in my mini-studio upstairs. Pretty chuffed really and feeling a little better. I've got a few decent songs up their now and more importantly they are my songs - my songs which nobody else is going to touch. Just scanned facebook and notice the lead guitarist from the band has been commenting on my band posts saying I never play guitar I just do the easy part - writing songs! That is the final nail in the coffin, from now onwards my band will come second fiddle to my own solo efforts.

Sent a picture message to harding with the body product she wanted and so far no response. I don't want to seem selfish and I hope everything's alright with her - I am really getting a little bit worried here! Please contact me ARRGHHHHHHHH! I hate the not knowing - it sucks. But we have been getting on great and have talked nearly every night since she came back from France. We have even arranged to meet for coffee and then another date for 'chinese'. So always replies to all my messages but for some reason last night she viewed my message but did not choose to reply. God, I hope she's alright - this is fast turning out to be a real nightmare, I hope her family are alright to ( I just don't know what to think ).

Enough of this nightmare for today - I'm going to get ready for my nightshift so I'm going to cut this short - I've just about said everything I needed to say today and I'm feeling slightly more positive for saying it!

Not Enough Time In The Day

Good day to you all! It's 3.50 in the afternoon and I'm desperately trying to get a load of work done before I have to go to work at about 6.20pm. There are not enough hours in the day at the moment. Not feeling greatly positive as this band I'm in are proceeding to drive me up the wall. I'm the only qualified musician in this band and I am watching them make fundamental mistakes with all my music ( I write just about everything ).

This is sounding like a proper rant and rave but once this gig is out of the way I'm going back to writing and producing my own music and then sell it 50/50 for myself and charity. There, I feel a little better now! Went for an extra long run this morning to make sure I am tired enough to sleep at work tonight. I hope I'm able to contact harding tonight ( not like last tues ) but to make sure I'll send her a message through facebook before I leave.

Feeling a little down because of all this band crap and the fact that I have not got enough work done online this weekend. Going to write POS on my hand now and pull myself together. Just written it on my hand and began cooking my food for work tonight - I'm getting worse by the minute though lol. I wish I could just grab the drummer and go off by myself using him on my music - oh well, in a perfect world eh!

Wordpress, the website builder I use is on the fritz today to - I'm having problems getting anything completed with it. Again, oh well, in a perfect world. At some point here today I'm going to try and get to my top floor and fit in about 30 mins of time on my music - see if I can't get some positive vibes out of doing that. After all, it's all I've got left after I leave this nightmare of a band behind.

England Lose On Penalties Again

Hey everyone, apologies for the no-show yesterday but I really did not have the time and as you can tell by the heading I was watching the England match again. England lose on penalties again and are out of the Euros - pretty predictable but there you go. Spent a lot of time talking to harding and now we are throwing compliments at each other and talking until late every night.

It's all getting pretty exciting and I find I'm forgetting all about being positive because I am so excited. Is this a good thing? I think so, I hope so! I did drink again last night but I was watching the match so that's it until next Saturday - no drink. Yeah, next Saturday my band are playing at a festival and I'm now getting pretty nervous about that. I'm probably going to turn myself down on stage and hope nobody hears my mistakes lol.

It's late at night now and I've been frantically trying to get enough work done today - what I've done is good but I could probably have done more if I had put my mind to it. Been pretty positive today and I've done something foolish that I hope will help my karma and get me in there with harding lol. I've purchased her some expensive cosmetic products that she thinks I can get for free ( which I can't any longer! ). It's cost me a little over £26 but she is a single mother of two kids and I think she more than deserves it. I can't afford it but f**k it, it's a really nice thing for me to do and I think it will help me in the long run. Been talking to her all night again and we're getting along just fine - even got myself a chinese date as well as a coffee!!!!!

Well guys, I'm not gonna mess about - I'm pretty tired. This is it for today and I look forward to a positive tomorrow. Night.

Hangover

Well I'm pretty shagged out due to the amount of vodka consumed last night. Ridiculous really but what can you do? Practice wasn't to bad but hell am I regretting drinking now - can't even believe I managed to turn the laptop  on and type. Sent a message to harding about 1am this morning - don't really know if that was a good idea or not. I was rambling on about her in practice last night and now I'm pretty embarrassed ( really embarrassed actually ). She hasn't replied to my message and now I'm paranoid shes met someone else - what is wrong with me, if she has I still have to remain positive and trudge on.

Got to give myself an injection of positive stuff today - feeling a little down here and that's no good. I just stumbled across this website and decided to post what they have said:

acronym: PABs  • noun : The feelings of uselessness, embarrassment, and general depression that accompany a hangover.  Typically linked to blackoutdrinking.


Explains a lot really doesn't it? I am feeling all these things this morning and I'm not happy about it. The article also carries on with..........


The topic of Post Alcohol Blues (PABs) has come up frequently in previous articles.  While vomiting, headaches, and lethargy are the prime physicalcharacteristics of a hangover, PABs constitute the hellish mental and emotional symptoms.  Typical thoughts during PABs include: “Why does everyone hate me?”, “I’m never drinking again.”, and “What is the point of it all anyways?”  The emotional holocaust created by PABs can get to be quite ridiculous.  You may find yourself embarrassed to answer phone calls from your friends, unable to make eye contact, or crying over your cat that died in elementary school.


That is so well written and so true isn't it? 


It's 3.38 in the afternoon now and I've just returned from a sober band practice. My son's due to be dropped off any minute by my ex-wife ( the cow! ). harding still hasn't contacted me so I'm actually thoroughly pissed off - I even had a drunken conversation with band members last night about her, am I starting to look like a bit of a fool? my sons here with me tonight so he should take my mind off things - a little nutter. 


Constantly forgetting to feel positive today - not good really. I think it has something to do with the alcohol in my system which is making me a little depressed. I think it's harding getting to me a little. Having trouble remembering how to feel positive here. I think I'm going to have to resort to printing POS on my hand again today, see if it helps. 


Well I forgot to write POS on my hand but I didn't need it. We got back in contact and I'm feeling good - amazing what a girl can do for you. It's 11.05 at night and I'm in the middle of talking to her now. Found out a lot more about her tonight, turns out shes been as unlucky in love as I have been. Seems a lovely girl and I now feel a bit of a twat for being a dick all day - must stay positive through every minute of the day. Gonna call it a day now as I've had enough today and I'm mentally and physically exhausted, good night all!

Talk Talk

It's great to talk! I spent about 3 hours talking to harding online last night and I'm feeling really, really good about it - it's amazing the difference a woman can make to your life. She's a hot one though, going  to cost be a bit of cash to keep up with her but hell - most women that are worth it are going to cost something worthwhile. It's 10.35am and I'm waiting for the old man to come back with the car so I can go for a run. Done a little work because I'm worried how much work I've got through this week, not a lot really!

Well it's 11.06am and my dad still isn't back - getting a little wound up but trying to remain positive. I'm drinking tonight and I've got my son this weekend so this is the last chance for two days I've got to exercise, I must take it. I will probably be eating pizza or take-away tomorrow night as well with my son. I must get some exercise and I'm already running out of time today.

Hello again, it's 3.20 in the afternoon and I've managed to get all of my tasks done except writing this and actually doing some work online. It looks like a slow one in that respect today because I want to get some music recorded in my mini-studio. Feeling a little guilty because I beeped my horn at an old man today when I should of been patience - had his wife in the car to. Not good for my karma rating so I gave a pound to the NSPCC on the way out as a way of making some positive vibes up.

It was really stupid of me and I should of behaved. Now I'm pretty sure I'm doomed to something bad happening to me tonight - probably with harding!!!!! Went for my run and put a lot of effort in but my legs ache a bit now - pity the run didn't stop me from losing my temper with that man. I had the chance to go up to his car and apologize afterwards but I didn't take it. Bad move really and not very positive, got to get a grip and remember what I'm doing here.

I'm a little pissed off today because I checked my physique and I'm unhappy with it. I've basically put to much weight on and I need to work really hard to lose it. The diet and exercise is not really showing yet ( or I was more overweight than I thought I was and I have lost weight ). With all this running I seriously must of lost something and the severe change of diet. Christ I hope so cos there's more hard work to go before I get to the look I want.

As I've been writing this harding has got in contact with me and we've exchanged a couple of messages. Pretty pleased I've got practice tonight as I don't have to sit about wondering what she's up to when she's out.
I've just poured myself my first drink - vodka and bitter lemon ( low calorie lemon ). Quite refreshing and nice. Going to wrap up my online exploits today as I wanted to get some stuff recorded today. All in all it should be a good day but because of my road rage incident I've let myself down - must do better tomorrow mate!

No Car Isolation

Well, the cars finally in the garage getting sorted out and I'm online talking to harding. Got a bit of work done today but not enough really. I'm posting this reasonably late today ( 9.45 ) as I'm a bit all over the place. Harding keeps on telling me she wants tiffanys diamonds - we're only having a laugh but it's starting to worry me, I need to earn more money lol.

Managed to get a run in today using my dads car to get to the route. My dads deathtrap I should say, the bonnet does not close properly and the power steering's gone. It gets you from A to B though, just about. Been pretty positive today - got held up by a herd of cows after my run but managed to keep my temper in check and even waved to the farmer as I was passing afterwards. Just got another message off this bird - she won't let it go - she  wants tiffanys diamonds at some point or another!

Well it's 9.47pm and I'm still in a conversation with harding. Not much work getting done here but I love talking to her - even if it's gonna cost my wallet in the long run lol. She actually just made me laugh out loud but that's enough about her tonight - if anyone's reading this they're gonna get pretty bored lol. Tomorrow is going to be a bit of a struggle when it comes to working as I've no car again and I've got band practice at 6.30pm. I'm going to try to get a bit more work done tonight but I'm now in a complete conversation with harding - loving it! Good day at the moment and I'm feeling pretty positive although I've been pushed for time - I hope tomorrow is as good as today - I f**king love this girl, now all I gotta do is get over meeting her.

My Phone Is Hopeless

Don't really want to start today off with a rant but I'm afraid I'm gonna. My phone is shit - no two ways about it. It's a Blackberry so it should be up to standard but last night it let me down again. I arranged with harding to contact her after nine last night and when the time came - no internet service on my phone. For f**ks sake it worked not more than two hours before I was due to contact her - why now? What made matters worse is when I finally laid back to rest and get some sleep emails kept coming through but it was to late to contact her. It was really difficult to remain positive but I just about managed it.

I hated being stuck out there in the car and not being able to contact her - it's horrible! I wasn't even worrying about the meet because I was so worried about not contacting her. To make matters worse she waited til about 9.20pm then sent me a message - a message I did not see until about 6.15am. Replied to her at that time cos I know she gets up about seven. I got home and went to grab an hour's snooze and within that hour she contacted me with a funny message about how she was late and she was busy on facebook messaging me!

I love the way she tried to contact me when it was obvious I was not messaging me - shows she's starting to think the same way I am to ( or maybe she has been all along and I'm to much of a dick to spot it ). I hope to god I get signal tonight! I managed to go for a run this morning due to the fact that I got a lot of work done last night. It was a decent, longer run again and I hope it shows up on my physique soon. I'm sort of on a mini diet to as I mentioned the other day. Last night I bought a lot of food for my shift but it was all low in saturated fats. I eat the lot, not surprising really but it was much lower in fat than my usual nightly stash. The only problem is that is cost over £5! Much more than usual but I will lose weight if I stick to it.

It's 5 past four and shes just sent me another message - funny, about never being ready and always being late no matter how early she gets up - I sent a minor apology for messaging so early. I'm not going to harp on to much today cos I'm in between night shifts and not to much has really happened. I'm desperately trying to get some work done but I can't see it being to much of a productive day. Never mind, as long as I stay positive.

Filling Out Forms

Hey guys, another day another dollar - in other words I'm back at the racecourse tonight on consecutive night shifts. Been for a run ( a longer run than normal cos I'm still paranoid about my weight and meeting harding ). Got to try and fill in my SIA form today so I'm probably going to pop up to my fathers to get him to help me - one f**k up on these forms and it's another wait to do one again. It's a right pain in the ass but it needs to be done, I'm currently working without a license!

Rob just called and gave me the £20 he owes me - happy days. That's £18 towards the money I owe Jase the Bass and £2 for me to get some lunch. Feeling really positive today but there's still that nagging feeling of disappointment and worry she won't like me - I've even put myself on a diet, I hope this is right because I'm not sure if a diet is a positive move or not - it's got to be a positive thing really ( hasn't it ).

The run has helped today but I'm sore man, really sore. It gives me a great start to the day, it's just a shame that I am unable to pull it off over the two night shift period. I may give it a try tomorrow if I get enough sleep through the night. Have not done to much work yet ( except writing this blog and finishing a blog post on my new site ) and I probably won't get to much done the way things are going.

Hey! It's 5.00pm now and I haven't really done much work on my form filling escapade. I haven't really got that much work done either which is a little bit of a worry really! The work I have done is on an Unexplained Store page on my site - My under construction Unexplained site . I'm pretty pleased with it so far but there is a lot more information to go up yet - a lot more. Not really looking forward to work but I can't really complain - after all I will only listen to the England match on the radio then watch a couple of dvd's, then fall asleep lol.

The job down the foss las racecourse will be ending soon so I should really make the most of it. Hopefully my online exploits will improve so I don't need to do two nights of security a week ( fingers crossed ). Once this site is finished I do not know where I'm going next - not back to Glyn-neath in the mine - no way! The other posts and sites tend to be shite so I do not want to end up there, my online work will suffer. So I'm going to wrap this up for today and get through a few PTC sites before I go to work. I am positive but I'm also a little worried - but what would life be if we didn't challenge ourselves. See you tomorrow.

Worried and Excited

Like the title says, I'm a little worried and I'm a little excited even though there is no set date for me and hardings meeting yet. I mean I am physically feeling sick at times LOL. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her face and only wish there was alcohol involved instead of fucking coffee. I just had to get up and walk around the room again as I'm getting really worried - for f**ks sake, what is wrong with me.

I visited a mate in Gorslas this morning and had a smoke with him - long drive home, believe me - and not the way I really should be starting off a day with. Came back and did some work and then went for a run. The run was a bit longer than I normally do because I'm paranoid that I'm gonna appear a little overweight - now my right foot hurts. Brilliant, this better not stop me from running tomorrow as the night shifts start and this is the last chance for two days to get a run under my belt. I have also learned that kebabs are actually more fattening than chips ( and chips ain't that cool either ) so I'm going to stay away from both from now on, don't know what I'm going to eat tomorrow night but it will be healthy. Tonight it's salad, jacket potato and fish cakes - healthy and low on fat ( this is how paranoid I am to lose weight before I meet her ).

Well it's 10.30 at night and I'm getting really tired here. I'm messaging harding as I type this - going back and forth here lol. We're getting on fine and I think she realizes that I'm a little nervous bout the 'meet'. I just hope she gives me a chance man! shes just told me shes about after nine tomorrow so I can chat with her from work - tidy. I would say I am positive but I'm still a little worried about this meet. Silly really, I saw this girl, I liked this girl, I want this girl - just meet her and pull her - do your best mate lol.

Late Start

Hi, late start today as I've had a bit to do, it's 5.05pm here. Got up and sent a few messages to harding then went straight out for a run ( which turned out alright considering I drank a bit if beer last night ). Last night! I think we should start there first. Well it happened, harding invited me up to her house to drink wine and eat chinese food. And what did I do? I said my car was in the garage - I jibbed out completely!

Why did I do this? I don't really know, I feel a bit of a prat today though. I needed more time to sort my head out and prepare. If I knew a week or two in advance I could turn up and sell myself much better. Sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn't it, I waited and worked towards this and when it finally came I completely f**ked it up. I sent a few messages last night apologizing and throwing compliments her way but I really think I've cocked up here. Her exact words were 'I could do with some good company tomorrow night'. I know, I know - I'm a complete idiot. She seemed a little down-hearted afterwards and I'm not really surprised. I messaged her this morning and she replied twice. I said I was going to bombard her with compliments as way of an apology for not being able to get to Milford. This was the first message compliment I sent her, and I quote:

'Alright, it's about one a clock so I'll start from here - the only reason that bird is doing shite behind your back and then lying about it is because she's jealous, jealous about the fact that your probably about 10 times better looking than her and a nicer person. She probably has to paint her face in a ton of makeup every morning whereas you need none to look that good. Compliment No. 1 out of the way!'


There has been no response to this message yet but she could well be out shopping or with the family - I really don't know but I have an awful feeling I really have messed this up. As you can imagine it's been pretty hard to stay positive today after all this but I'm not doing to bad - just remembered I have not written POS on my left hand today so I'm about to do it now. Done!

Man I wish she would reply, if she doesn't I will have to try sending her another compliment tonight about 7, after all she's supposed to be in tonight eating chinese and drinking a bottle of wine ( and I'm the twat that is supposed to be sitting next to her - idiot, idiot, idiot! I've bought a couple of bottles of red wine to drink as I talk to her tonight but to be honest I'm beginning to think she might go elsewhere after my ridiculous snub. The whole point of this blog was to change my life and grab these types of opportunities with both hands and what have I done - completely the opposite. God help me I hope I get to talk to her tonight.

ITS SUNDAY and I messed up the post for yesterday - forgot to hit publish! There is a reason for this - harding. Yep, harding got hold of me and we talked until the early hours of the morning and I feel pretty good about things. I apologized and was truthful about why I could not turn up last night and she was great about it - she probably appreciated the honesty. The only thing is that I told her I could get a free ipod for her son while I can't! I felt guilty so it's the least I can do and shes really helping me turn my life round! But it's gonna cost me at least £80!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not good but I should of met her last night - it's my own fault. Anyway, we've agreed to meet in carmarthen and it seems pretty cool ( I'm already shitting myself and I must run more often to get more in shape! ). She's already messaged me this morning and I have replied, back to the waiting game but hell I'm one happy boy today.

Hey guys, it's 9.35 at night and Holland are about to go out of the Euros at the group stage. Me and harding have been in contact for most of the day again, this time trying to decide where to meet. We ( or she ) has decided on a roadside roadhouse in Whitland. I'm starting to get a little nervous about meeting her so I'm going to have to do some extra positivity exercises and quick. I talk to her all the time online but what the hell happens when we meet, will I freeze? Fuck I hope not!!

So it looks like it's all guns blazing for me - shit or bust, win or lose! I hope to hell she takes to me and I don't freeze up. Positive thoughts mate, positive thoughts. See you tomorrow!

The Waiting Game

Morning all - I say morning but it's actually 5 minutes to one, lunchtime. Got up and went for a run ( in the middle of the storm of the century ) so things are a little late for me so far today. England are playing in the Euros tonight so I'm not sure how much 'decent' work I'm going to get done today. Haven't even touched my new website today yet and in a few minutes I'm popping over to Kidwelly to get some beer in for the match tonight. Felling pretty positive so far today and that's probably down to the run - always seems to work!

Why is it that the more enjoyment and effort you put into something the harder it becomes to reach your goals. For example, this new website - I love the niche it's in and enjoy writing for it but it seems like I'm more and more running out of time to work on it. Maybe I'll have a bit more luck tomorrow, I hope so because it has the ability to be a successful site - I'm already getting visitors every day and it's nowhere near completed. Here is a link to the site - My Paranormal Site!. Secondly, this girl - harding as I now refer to her ( the hot teacher ) we're getting on famously and are now in contact for long periods every night. Why is it so hard for me to ask her out? I've already done it in jest and she seemed fine with it - why don't I just close the deal already? Ridiculous.

Ok, back again. It's now 5.40pm and I have to admit I've been wound up more than once today - so much for positive thinking eh! Firstly, I had a minor case of road rage - maybe it's time we made people over 65 do some sort of road test to make sure they are able to handle 21century driving. I know that sounds drastic but the old **** that blocked a complete seaside road off today as he waited for a train to pass.........I'll stop there, I was just about to say something that would have surely caused me bad karma.

Second thing to wind me up today - Wealthy Affiliate University. This is the where I learned how to build websites and general internet marketing. Great place to learn but plenty of unseen costs popping up that I wish they would highlight to begin with. No seriously - the only place to learn how to earn online but as with everything worthwhile these days - it will take time and a little outlay. Third reason to be wound up today - just sat down to watch the first match of the Euros today ( France V Ukraine ) and within 5 minutes it was called off because of lightning! Lightning for f**ks sake, when has that ever happened before. Suffice to say I have got my positive hat back on and I should really wait until I ( maybe ) manage to get hold of harding tonight ( please, please be able to get hold of her lol ). The match is actually starting off again so I'll close this laptop lid for a bit and finish the post off a bit later..........

.................ok, it's near the end of the match now, France 2 Ukraine 0, bit of a pity considering the Ukraine are one of the hosts, oh well. England match is starting shortly so I thought I'd get this in before the match started as the beer will be flowing during lol. I've just sent a message to harding - no idea whats gonna happen there - maybe the 'how am I going to get this DVD to you' question was a bit to much! Never know and never mind - I will rectify it. Just written the POS on my hand as it got washed off earlier on. Considering the way I've behaved at times today that's the least I can do.

Positive, got to be positive so for the remainder of tonight I'm gonna be just that. Nothing will go my way unless I continue on this path - I was doing so well before and now I got a little lax. I was getting caught up in the progressive relationship with harding and neglecting the real reason I am doing this. P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E. I haven't received a message back from harding yet and already I'm slipping. Come on mate, it's only been about 10 mins. This is what I'm up against. F**king ridiculous

We Had 'That' Night

Ok guys, it's 8.05 in the morning and I'm waiting to take my car back down the garage for repairs. Good day yesterday, very good day. Contacted harding last night and she was well up for a chat. We messaged each other constantly until about 11 at night and we didn't stop - we had 'that night'. She laughed, we both joked and I even brought up the subject of meeting her ( which was only a joke but she seemed cool with it ). I think shes great, I love talking to her and she is putting an extra spring in my step and filling me with positive vibes.

I'm pretty tired ( even though I got about 5 hours sleep ) but I have to hang on another half an hour or so to take the car down. Feeling really good at the moment - shame she has to work as I'd love to talk to her again right now. But I must be patient, I'm doing all the right things and it's working out for me - using positive feelings and prayer.

It's now 3.33 in the afternoon and I've completed another page for my website - I'm determined to make this site a success and I'm going for a LOT of pages on this site. They will be 'hidden' pages so the navbar and the site will not be to overcrowded - you will only be able to get to these hidden pages through direct links on the main pages. Not contacted harding yet but that will come later - don't want to push my luck after last night went so well.

This blog is actually getting visitors but not to many unfortunately - No-one has signed up as a follower yet but that may come in time, after all this site is a record of my improvement - nothing more. I'm probably boring the shite out of people lol. Footie starts at 5.00 tonight with Croatia v Italy ( I'll actually get to watch it tonight because no work -yeah! ). Must get some more work done on my website and also another website I own ( a free one ). Gonna cut this a little short and finish the post later tonight - wish me luck!!!!

Hey all, It's about 11 at night now and I've got quite a bit done. Worked on two websites ( a page on each ) cut and dyed my hair ( to get rid of the f**cking grey! ) spoke to my best mate in Chicago and had a conversation with harding. Not as smooth as last night but we had a bit of a laugh again. She wants to borrow an illegal copy of that new snow white film off me and I've asked her how we're going to manage that - the answer should be interesting. I might see if I can send a large file to her through email or something to keep the pressure off her a bit, besides the lending of the films and the back and forward contact will only work in my favor.

Starting to watch a horror film called 'frayed' on the horror channel so I'm gonna wrap today up. Overall feeling reasonably positive and stable, hope it stays that way. Goodnight.

Back Home

Morning everyone! It's 7.30 in the morning here and I've not that long ago got home from a night shift. The guy  taking over my post turned up a whole hour early - happy days. I am feeling positive but last night did not go to well with harding, in fact I decided to cut the conversation short after about 3 messages. I sort of got the feeling we had conversed to much the day before and I found it hard to reply to her final message. I'll see how things go today but I will remain positive - no matter what.

Going to try and get a bit of work done on the new site today - only getting about 5 visitors per day at the moment but it is unfinished. Once I have completed a few more pages I will add a few articles pointing towards the site. Feeling a bit blurry eyed here so I'll come back to finish this entry later today!

Well it's 4.46pm and I nearly forgot to finish this blog off today - I've been hard at work and I've got a new page started on my new site and I've also sent in an article for moderation. Glad I got so much sleep last night in work ( nearly 6 hours and I could of slept on ). It was a bit dodgy though - I woke at 5.45am and then one of the supervisors turned up at 6.00am - an hour early. Close shave but I got to finish my shift early. May have to adjust the alarm on my phone for tonight's exploits.

Have not proceeded any further contact with harding ( shes in work anyway ). Will probably try to contact her tonight but I'm getting a little pissed off with it all. It's me doing all the contacting - shes only contacted me twice! Don't know what that means yet but if I could find a way to ask her 'what next' at least I'd get an honest answer and I will be able to make a move or indeed move on. I'm not going to let this get me down though. I will not let another woman rip me to shreds - life is way to short after all. Well the footie's starting and I need to roll up a few for tonight at work. I'll leave you for another day now - remember, stay positive!

She's Back And I'm Happy

Yeah, damn right - 2.00 in the morning she got back and took the time to send me a message saying she found the message funny. FUNNY for f**ks sake! And I'd been worrying all week about that message, come on. I feel like I've been lifted to new heights and god damn it I feel positive. Right, now I've got to make some sort of move - come on boy, pull your finger out.

So how the hell do I do this without scaring her off? First things first I've got to send her a message today, something witty in reply, I have an idea so I'm about to send it. Yep, just sent it - not to bad either if I do say so myself. OK, feeling really positive here - don't even have to write anything on my hand today. I've been for a run today straight after I read her message and I really enjoyed it - bit of a tight chest again though.

The England match is on today and it's my birthday tomorrow so I think I'll have more than a few beers tonight. After all, I am working tomorrow on my birthday. My chest is starting to piss me off a bit - back on the false fag again tonight. Hell, I don't really know what to say here today as the contact from the girl in my phone has given me such a boost I don't know what to do with myself. I'm going to leave things for a while and get to work on my new website, will speak again later.

Well - this has cocked things up! Started drinking to watch the match and forgot to publish my post - it's now the 12th ( My birthday ). After the match I contacted harding and spoke with her ( messaged ) for hours til she fell asleep. Got on really well but I was half cut so I hope I did not go to far - she seemed to be enjoying the conversation. Forced myself to be positive yesterday and look at the outcome, things really went well for me and I love the contact with her.

So today is my birthday! 37, pretty old now. This is why I needed to change my life now. This is also why I need to make this work with harding. Have to remain positive and upbeat today regardless of the feeling of getting old. I went for a run with a hangover this morning, made the run ok but now I ache from head to foot. Still it will benefit me in the long run and will help me sleep in the car at work tonight.

That's right, I'm working on my birthday! Got to keep the money coming in as I owe one of my mates £180 quid. I've also got a stag night in mid Wales coming up which is going to cost me a pretty penny. May get some cash off my parents today though, birthday and all that.

So tired  at the moment - that runs wiped me out completely. Gotta pop out to get some lunch and stuff so I'll finish this post later.

It's now 3.38 in the afternoon and I'm completely shagged out. It's hard to feel positive when I feel so damn tired. Desperately been trying to remain awake so that I can sleep in the car tonight. Got the red POS printed on my left hand again - have not looked at it much today as I've been to tired to notice. Done a bit of work on the website but not to much - need to make up for this tomorrow.

No contact from harding yet but that's ok - I wonder if facebook has notified her it's my birthday, best not to open that can of worms mate! If she does not get in touch I will contact her a bit later on tonight. Time to wrap this double post up, I'm in need of a smoke and a coffee. Going to stay positive though and live in hope that I didn't go to far last night. See you tomorrow.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

hello, it's Sunday morning and I'm feeling a little bit more positive than yesterday ( so far ). My son woke me up at 7.00am this morning and that's becoming quite a bit of a culture shock to say the least. Just checked my emails and the dating site have thrown me a few matches. It's the same site where I met Harding but I really don't know whats going on with her so I should probably keep my options open ( positive ).

Going out for a birthday lunch with my mum and my son at half 12, pretty sad really but it'll do - turns out I'm working on my birthday anyway! Just sent a icebreaker to a girl form ponty, another positive move to start the day off. My sons driving me mad with the Xbox at the moment. Going to have to move and get him changed for lunch and finish this entry a little later.

Hello, again, lunch over and I'm back online, my mums just taken my son down the beach so I have a little time to myself ( I love him to bits but he's like a nutter - he never stops ). Still no contact from Harding ( the girl in my phone ) but that's starting to not really surprise me, gotta stay positive though. Sent a few icebreakers out to new girls but no reply, guess that's ok though - I'm not really sure how well that site works. Basically, it's a free dating site.

I've got a lot of work to do tonight if it's at all possible. Might have to spend some time booking some tickets for Oakwood with my mum. Oakwoods a local theme park with rides and all that. It's been two weeks since I started out on this journey properly. What's the verdict? Well it's been up ad down really - the first week I was excellent, the second week has be a struggle to remain positive. It's probably no coincidence that Harding buggered off to Paris for the second week, no coincidence at all really! If I find some way around this girl maybe things will go a little smoother - the problem is entering a new relationship is supposed to be part of this journey!

It's hard to stop talking today - I'm feeling that f**ked up with things and I'm so up and down. Constantly looking at my left hand to remind myself to remain positive, things will get better, THINGS WILL GET BETTER. It's only 3.33 in the afternoon and I feel like I can ramble on all day. Going cut this post short again cos I've got a bit of work to do before my son gets back ( then I've got to drive him home ). Speak to you later, stay positive!

Thought you got rid of me eh? Not so lucky. Well it's 10.30 at night and harding's back in the country ( well her mobile's online anyway. No contact whatsoever so I'm unsure whether she got that awful message or not. She's probably tired - at least I hope so. Either way I'm staying positive. This really is it for today, I'm signing off. I hope tomorrow brings some joy but if it does not I am determined to stay on track!

OK, Starting to Freak Out A Bit

Yeah, as the title states - I'm starting to freak out a bit. Can't remember if harding ( the girl in my phone ) said she was back on the Saturday or Sunday and I'm, f**king missing her. This is ridiculous - I've spent most of the day pretty positive but there's this nagging shite going on in the back of my mind, 'what happens if she's back already', 'what happens if she does not want to contact me again' etc, etc. It's all pretty stupid really but it's clouding my mind.

My sons been with me since lunchtime today, he's lying on the couch watching 'blot' at the moment. he should really be in bed but I let him go later as a treat when he's in my house. I've had a great day with him but in the back of my mind that girl has got under my skin - absolutely ridiculous! I wish she would just contact me and get this over and done with.

I'm writing all this at 9.12 at night cos my sons been my main focus of attention all day. I must admit that I'm feeling a little unhappy with all this even though I have been trying to remain positive all day. I've still got POS printed on my hand but the heavy feeling in my gut is dragging me down - gotta get over this and back on track. It's just that I feel I am ready to move on and be an adult again - I feel I have a lot more to offer than ever before. There's no getting away from the fact that I'm alone and I don't want to be any longer - I need to move on and improve all aspects of my life.

This is not a great post - I'm aware of that but I need to get it all down, this is a journey after all. GOT TO START FEELING POSITIVE AGAIN RIGHT NOW! Ok, maybe feeling a little better now, blogging is a type of therapy after all. Have not managed to catch any of the footie matches today for obvious reasons, gonna watch the highlights tonight.

It's now 10.07 at night - my son fell asleep on the couch so I carried him up to bed. Highlights are on at 10.15 so I may have to shut down the PC for a while. Feeling slightly better after writing all this, got to keep the positive mindset. I've obviously taken a shine to this girl, I feel as if I've always known her. But I must prepare myself for the disappointment of it turning out to be nothing - a flash in the pan that was positive whilst it lasted.

Feeling kinda sick in my stomach - a sort of nervous feeling. I know this is not good and not positive. The more I tell myself to be positive today the more further away from it I'm getting ( f**king irritating ). Sorry this post has been so dark, I suspect there will be a few more dark ones before my journeys end.

Euro 2012 Starts Today

So this is it, Euro 2012 starts today - about 3 weeks of football!. This puts a smile on my face, it's just a shame Wales never qualify for these tournaments. It's 11.58 in the morning and I've not long come back from a run and bath. I wish I could say it's made me feel good but it has not - I have a tight chest and have been coughing up since finishing the run ( I've gotta cut back on the smoking again! ). I planned to have a few beers tonight but I know I will end up smoking more, another wake up call.

I got up feeling positive, now I'm feeling a little downtrodden. It was raining hard out but I don't think that had anything to do with my chest. To much weed smoked yesterday, it's the only answer - and I had a fag this morning with my coffee before my run. Still no contact form the girl in my phone but lets be honest, I didn't expect any really. Just been on facebook and there's no messages ( sad face! ). On a brighter note my best mate who lives in Chicago now has had a baby boy and he has also named him my name!! Turns out the kid is a Gemini like me to!

As well as this, another boy I grew up with has finally signed the divorce papers today. He posted on Facebook and I think he's a little down. I sent him a reply to his post and hopefully it's cheered him up a little, I'm not that close with him so I won't be joining him for a beer - I got things to do. I suddenly feeling a little jealous and down because of my mate in Chicago, I want a bigger family, I want a meaningful relationship. I can't find one - the only chance I have at the moment is the girl on my phone and I've never even met her face to face before, how fucking sad is that!

Got to think positive and erase these feelings from my head. I have not had the time to do any work on my new site today so maybe that's got something to do with it. Gotta pop over to the nearest town and get some beer and food for tonight - I've also got to stop and get my dad to fix my sons car seat.

It's now 5.08pm and the first footie match of the Euros has started. Managed to get the booster chair fixed by my dad's mate, Peter. Got some good SEO work done on my new site so it's all up to date now and looking good. The girl in my phone ( harding ) has still not got in contact but is due back tomorrow. I've got my son with me tomorrow so I'm not gonna hang round waiting for her to contact me ( seriously!!! ).

The host nation, Poland have just scored and the game is quite good so far - Poland and Greece attacking. I'm on my second beer ( pacing myself well so far ) and I'm using one of those false fags to smoke. I will not promise another entry on this post tonight as I cannot guarantee I will be sober. We'll see.

Over & Out

That's it - night shifts over for another week. Managed to get about 5 hours sleep in the car then another 2 hours when I got home. Feeling a little guilty though - there is a female security guard who takes over for us in the morning at about 6.45am. Now I get there by 6.30pm every night to give her an early finish but she never gets there early in the morning. Last week she was an hour late when my father was working his shift ( an hour!!! ).

Well, this morning I let it get as far as 7.00am ( the time she was due to start although she should be there by 6.45am ) and I thought sod it, I'm off. So I did it, I drove off and left the post empty until she got there. I have not heard anything since but I was well within my rights to go at 7. I do not know if this was positive or not - I did take action and this woman needs to be taught that shift starts are there for a reason but I still don't see it as positive. I just did not want to be a doormat or a walkover like I have been in certain areas and times in my life.

No contact from the girl in my phone but that's no surprise really - I sent a stupid message that could be my undoing, on the other hand she may find it funny ( when she gets back in signal range ). Feeling reasonably positive even after my extreme move this morning - I wonder what that indicates? Was it wrong or right? I tend to think it was both - wrong & right.

Ok, so it's 9.05 pm and I have found out why the security girl did not turn up this morning - she had a stomach problem and went into hospital to be sure. Now I feel reasonably bad - this is certain bad karma. On the other hand, if I had stayed longer this morning I would have ended up doing her shift ( and that was not going to be 'on' at all ). As for feeling positive, I do! The only problem is I know I should be feeling bad for this girl and for leaving early. I have written POS on my left hand again and I have been glancing at it all day - is there something wrong with me for not really caring that I left my post this morning?

I'm working on my website as we speak - I just took a break to finish off this blog today. It's coming on really well and the current page I'm working on is all about Wales. I have a feeling this is going to be my best website to date. All in all I'm feeling pretty good, I know I let myself down this morning but I'm still staying positive. My weeks night shifts are over and tomorrow morning I'm off for a run, tomorrow night however - I may treat myself to a few beers ( it's the weekend after all and I don't have bad practice ).

Going to wrap this up now because I need to give my website all my attention. Feeling good, feeling positive, going to get my life on track! Stay positive.

One Down One To Go

Well that's one night shift done, one to go. What a decent night - sure it rained most of the night but I didn't leave the car. I set up my bed on the passenger side of the car and turned on the DVD player. By about quarter to 12 at night I was pretty tired after reading a few pages of my book. I leaned the seat back and off to sleep I went. I woke up to my alarm on my phone at 5.45 am in the morning. I must have got in over 5 hours of sleep in the car. It's 3 minutes to 8 in the morning now and I'm not even going to bed - I feel I had enough sleep last night.

I'm not saying it was all plain sailing because to be honest it was not. I managed to send a really crap message to the girl in my phone ( I thought it was funny but after re-reading the message I realize it could of been a mistake ) and only time will tell if it was a step to far. It's typical of me to do something like this, I should have just been patient and awaited her contact - what a twat I am.

After all that I'm still feeling pretty positive though. I'm already on the computer and I am planning on getting a decent amount of work done today. After writing an entry here and after this I'm going to do some more work on my new website and get an article or two done.

OK, it's nearly 5.20pm and I'm running a little late. I've managed to get 2 articles sent in for moderation and another page of my website - positive stuff! I wouldn't mind staying at home tonight and working online but I need the money so another night shift beckons. Written POS on my hand in red ( positive ) as a reminder for tonight. Doing ok so far today, had a few negative thoughts and moments but I've quickly reprogrammed myself to positive thinking.

Not really looking forward to tonight but I'm going to give that Beyond Positive Thinking mp3 another go. I did try it last night but it was actually a lot more complicated than I thought it was going to be. Still, the more I listen to it the more will stick in my head. What about the girl in my phone? Will she get in contact? I very much doubt it but I've sort of got over the fact that I've lost contact with her for a week. Considering the stupid message sent last night I probably deserve this lack of contact - she'll either find it funny or end up thinking 'what the f**k'. Anyway, dwelling on that will not keep me positive.

So it's 5.30 now and I'm gonna have to wrap things up here - need to pick up some food on the way to work. Hope I manage to get some good sleep in tonight so that I'll be in good state to work online tomorrow. I hope everyone has a positive night, speak to you tomorrow ( if anyone's listening ).

Back To Work

Hey, another day upon us. Started off ok - lay in bed thinking positive thoughts. Went for a run about 10am, always a good thing and it's given be that extra spring ( although my legs ache a little ). Due to be in work by 6.45 tonight and that always tends to mess up the day a little bit - never get the right amount of work online done on these night shift days.

Just checked facebook, no messages but I got to leave a message to a Man Utd supporter which was reasonably nasty. Not good for the Karma or the positive vibes but well worth it. I'm going to look for a torrent relating to 'positve outlooks' online in a minute. You know the ones, like a CD with commentary off a life coach guru. Fancy giving it a go and will throw it on my mp3 player to take to work today. Just found one on isohunt, something by Robert Anthony - will be giving it a go tonight if it downloads in time.

Somehow got to fit a trip into Carmarthen today for a petrol top up - these bank holidays are a right pain in the arse. Checked the analytics on my new website and I'm actually getting visitors already - I have not even finished the SEO on the pages I've completed yet! Looks good news for that particular site, I see a good future for it.

Well boys & girls, it's now 4.55pm and I've got about an hour and twenty minutes before I have to leave for the night shift ( never mind! ). I've managed to get another page of my website done and I've written an article that links to this blog. I made the mistake of telling my mother about the girl in my phone earlier - not a great idea. I want to keep her private as I'm not sure what's happening with her yet, she contacted yesterday morning and it feels like 2 weeks ago. I hope the people who know about her do not cock things up for me - that has happened before. I might send her a Facebook message tonight but she will be unable to reply ( I don't know, that could seem to keen and needy really ).

Anyway, back to the positive vibes. I thought I was maybe forgetting every now and again so I've decided to take a little drastic action. I've printed 'POSITIVE' in red permanent marker on the top of my left hand. Why my left hand? No idea, I'm right handed. It's large and red and I will be looking at it from time to time tonight to remind myself. It's also in permanent marker so it won't wash off to quickly.

Bank Holiday - New Chance To Be Positive

So it's a bank holiday Monday due to the queen's jubilee. Got to be honest, I don't really care about the jubilee or the queen as I'm pretty sure she's in a better position than me. Did not manage to get out for a run this morning so I've missed the chance to grab that positive feeling off my daily exercise. The reason for this is I let myself have a couple of beers last night - a bit of a bank holiday treat.

Still feeling positive and reminding myself all morning that this is the way I should be feeling. It's 11.15 in the morning and I've already written one article and entered it for moderation - positive moves again! The girl in my phone did not get in touch last night but that's ok, she's in France after all and I'm not sure she's got that much chance to get online seeing she's in Disney World.

I'm planning on getting quite a bit more work done today on my new website. I did get a bit done yesterday but I really could of got a bit more done if I had put my mind to it - missed a chance to be more positive there. I will cut this part of the post short now as I'm due to visit my parents at lunch time.......wait a minute, it's happened again! She's just sent me a message through Facebook. Great stuff, feeling much more positive, she really is a good influence on my life. Turns out she's in Macdonalds as it's the only place that has Wi-Fi. Talked ( messaged ) for about 10 minutes - really cool, she's even making the effort from Paris! Positive, positive, positive.

It's now exactly 10.00 at night and I've managed to get two new pages on my new website. They're not properly proof-read yet but I'm pretty confident that they are up to standard. I tried to renew my security license online earlier on - total waste of time. The SIA website is as ineffective as the SIA themselves but, gotta stay positive. Requested that they mail me the sheet instead and I'll do it the old fashioned way. By the looks of things I'll be working a few weeks without a license but hey, that's life! Have not heard from the girl in my phone tonight but I'm not really expecting to, she did contact me from France this morning.

Gonna try and showpiece this blog on pinterest now to see if I can gain a few followers - you never know! I'll be back tomorrow.

Another Day Another Dollar!

Hey, another day is upon me - I say day but it's actually 2.23 in the afternoon and I ain't done much work. I went for a run this morning, much better than yesterday, no hangover so I made the whole trek in one go. Feeling pretty positive again even though I have not got much work done. My mums supposed to be coming round in a bit to help me renew my security license ( or pay for it if I'm honest lol ). That's going to take up even more time but it has to be done.

When I got up this morning there was a message from the girl on my phone waiting for me so it's safe to say I'm really chuffed again. I'm still buzzing from the fact that she contacted me for once last night from a hotel in England. Things are certainly looking up on that front.

There is one other thing I have been trying out since this journey started. It was advised to me on a forum and of course I laughed at the thought of it at first. When I thought about it I realized it was just another tool to use for reaching that positive state. It's praying, yep that's right praying!!! Something I have never really done in my life and something I now find myself doing every night. I don't even know who I'm praying to but it is offering me more positive vibes which I am grabbing at every opportunity.

Well, it's 6.05 in the evening and I'm having a couple of beers whilst finishing off the days work. It's the queens special jubilee thing today so I think I deserve a few ( he he ). Internet is pretty slow today and starting to grind me a little - must stay positive man, must stay positive! Had a little problem with my new site but I will find a way around it ( eventually! ). There's no point leaving a link yet as the site is still very much under construction.

The girl in my phone has not been in contact yet but that's cool, she's in Disney World now and probably enjoying her time with the kids ( and who blames her ). The internet is getting really slow now and producing any decent work is becoming a risk, saving every two minutes now. My mum never turned up - turns out she rang me but I had no signal ( again ). Looks like I'm going to be working in the security sector without a valid license for a short while, never mind!

Already Missing Her - Wise Up!

Yep, already feeling a little empty as I've lost the only company I've had with a girl in a long while. Ridiculous really, we have not met each other in person and have basically talked every night by online means. Got to get a grip. Band practice went terrible last night but we all enjoyed ourselves ( got drunk ). Even the drummer was well out, we probably needed that wake up call as a band - things have been to comfortable and we have a big gig coming up in about a month.

Went for a run this morning, with a hangover - big mistake. Almost threw up twice and now my calf muscles are killing me. I feel good for getting through the exercise ( which involved part walking/crawling ) but man do I  ache and feel tired. I hope I can keep it up and get out again tomorrow - be positive. My new site needs some work today - period. I feel knackered but I must at least get a page well underway today. There is an England footie match on later today but I must try and get some work done!

Footie's over, it's 9.20 at night and I'm on my last legs - still pretty positive though. At 9.45 I'm calling it a day and watching some Brad Pitt film on sky. I've got the start of a page done on my website, about 400 -500 words of pretty good writing. Gone a little wild with the weed tonight unfortunately which has not helped with my tiredness but I'm determined to get up and have a more decent run tomorrow. As for the girl in my phone am I missing her - yeah, I'm thinking about her a lot but shes acting as a kind of drive. There's no doubt since I've started this journey things have started to go a little better for me. I sometimes think it could just be in my mind but positive vibes are sticking in me for longer these days.

So this is nearing old Brad's territory now so pretty soon I'm going to call this post a day. Looking forward to getting some real work ( without exhaustion ) done on my new site. Must remember to visit Apinapress for information on site design. Trying to fit more into this site without crowding it with information ( like I did to the last site ). It was my first 'real' site and you can visit it by clicking here - Science And Kids. Hold on a second, the girl in my phone has just contacted me! Happy f**king days! I think I'm going to cut this short as I need to chase this girl, she's got a hold of me. Feeling really happy now! The positive vibes grow and grow - this could actually work!

Bitter Sweet Day

Bit of a bitter-sweet day today as you can probably tell from the post title. Spent a lot of time talking with the girl on my phone last night and really did enjoy myself. Problem is I found out she's taking the kids to Disneyland for a week with her mother so me contacting her is going to get much more difficult. Am I pissed off? Yeah, a little, but I just left a ( in my opinion ) pretty cool message basically saying I hoped she and the kids have a really top time - it gave me the chance to say something complimentary to her and also positive.

I'm only pissed off because I didn't see this coming - obvious really, everybody has holidays. I now have to go through a week of broken up conversations.......hold that thought, she just messaged me back. Yeah, feeling a lot happier now, still a sadness at the lack of contact I'm about to have over the next week but there u go.

I've got band practice tonight so I will have a chance to drink. This is ok though, I've allowed myself this as I have band practice once a week and we all enjoy the experience and the company. Went for a run again this morning - same route, same result, I felt tired but I have a positive feeling throughout me. Managed to keep the smoke to a minimum today - after all, I will be having a few drinks tonight.

As for work, well that has really been pathetic today! I've just not had the time. I did not wake until about 10.45 as I was catching up on the missed nightshift hours. This blog is the probably the only thing I'm going to do online today unfortunately. I hope I stay positive tonight and don't argue with anyone ( although certain members of my band do need to be told sometimes lol ).

I'm currently playing about with the map section of Google to figure how far away the girl in my phone lives - turns out it's about an hour away. Not to bad really but I've got to get a grip - we have not even met properly yet. Time for a quick beer and to get ready for band practice. Note - I am feeling relatively ok today considering the circumstances, I must be on the right track, only time will tell.