I'm BBBBBAAAAACCCK

Hi, as you may have noticed I've been away from blogging for the last few days now. The reason - complete depression. I had to have a total re-think of what I was doing and put harding on the back burner as I was breaking down about it. I left things go for a few days because she went dead cold on me and I acted like a fool - how do women do that to you??

I jumped straight back into my music and made some good headway there but the last week has been hell. Finally last night she contacted me to ask if I was in a better mood. I'm not going to lie but it was one hell of a relief. She also contacted me today to tell me she had passed her teaching course which I was really chuffed for her with. That is twice she's contacted me in two days so that's something, we also got on really well again last night.

Hopefully all is forgiven but I'm trying my best not to jump to conclusions as I was f**ked up over last week. I have now upped my running to 4 miles every day and I am beginning to see the advantages - I have lost weight no bones about it.

On the weekend I got totally pissed on both days - Saturday and Sunday. Felt awful on Monday and hardly got anything done but still went for my run. I'm supposed to be working right now to the racecourse but I came back about half an hour after everybody left - I just can't be bothered with security any longer. I'm now putting more effort into earning money with PTC sites. I've found a new site to review music and I'm using it to earn money to invest into my PTC sites. Hopefully this will give me an income so that I can concentrate on getting my music finished and polished to a high, impressive standard.

I promise I will not leave the next post so long - I'm feeling positive for the first time in about 9 days today so I felt up to continuing with this blog. See you soon.

First Contact

This is the first real contact I've had with harding this week ( well the first real contact and shes actually just sent me through a message just as I started this sentence ) and I feel a little better about myself. Even though I'm feeling better today I think this week has shook me up sufficiently enough to put me on a new track and I'm glad I'm producing again.

I'm afraid this is going to be a short post today as it's 10.40 at night and I'm not in work again ( even though I should be ). I'm going back in about an hour to sleep in the car although I must be careful as I'm going to get caught if I try and pull this shit to often. Spoke to John the pianist today and he's up for singing and doing some piano work on my stuff - good news, hope he likes it!

The music is really helping me through at the moment and I have had my first smoke of the day not more than 20 mins ago. I've been straight all day and I have really enjoyed it and I've got stuff done. Tomorrow I will try to do the same. The only reason I'm going have a couple of small smokes tonight is that I can get to sleep tonight in the car and hopefully get at least 4 hours so I can get in some good stuff tomorrow.

Pretty stoned now as it's my first of the day and I'm going to leave in a bit to read my book in the car and make myself even more sleepy. Just waiting about at the moment to see if harding sends us another message as I don't want to push my luck. She said her silence was because of work but I don't believe that really - it coincided with my admission of my youth and my rant Saturday night. Shes also not been so forthcoming since we met ( and that happens to make me very very uncomfortable and it kills my confidence ). This settles it - the only way to get this girl is to be more successful in my work and my music. She knows I've named one of the songs after her and she was obviously interested in that lol. Get to get the song finished to a decent level  and show it to her - a lot of work to do in my mini studio for the next few days but hell I'm looking forward to it.

Not Looking Good on The Romance Front

Yeah, unfortunately I think I'm going to have to move on with my love life. Ever since my admissions and the meeting with harding ( that I thought went well ) things have taken a turn for the worse. Do I feel bad, yeah I do but I;m trying to put a brave face on it and be positive. The good thing to come out of this is the fact that I have started my own music again.

It's getting on well with the music and I'm hoping it comes out good quality so I can publish it and get some coverage online. I have had minor contact with her today ( 2 messages with her ) but that seems like it - shes gone really cold on me and I have to admit it hurts a little ( well more than a little ). She hasn't seen my reply but I'm not holding my breath here - it looks like it's over and my battle is lost.

I should be in work now. I turned up at seven and took the keys and all that bullshit then waited until about 8.15pm. I then left and locked everything up. I don't care - I just don't care at the moment because I tried everything in my power to get this girl and it all came apart on me when it mattered most. I was going to go back to work about half eleven but to be honest I'll probably just sleep here until 5 and then drive straight down. I care not about this job now and I am desperate to earn full time online because working nights in my situation sucks. I see nobody and I live like a vampire. I'm lonely and in need of love but I just cannot see that happening now.

I hope to have better news for you tomorrow as my journey for improvement has stopped dead at the moment. I will try some pray tonight but as for positive thinking - I'm afraid that's a long way off now.

I'm Producing Again

Been a good day so far but it's 8.23pm so there's plenty of time for it to go wrong but I've got POS printed on my hand again and I've been using it for positive vibes all day. Harding had some sort of test results today but I've only just contacted her to find out how they went. I only just got in contact as I am not going to be running round after her all day from now onwards - I'm gonna fill my day with online work and music production. The online work and the music I've done today have been top quality. I think this is due to the fact that I have not smoked so much today and I have been pushing for a positive feeling.

I was woke at just after 7.30 this morning by my day knocking on my door. He was on the way back from nightshift and he had a message for an oil delivery from my mum. Being up that early allowed me to go for a good run and has also allowed me to do plenty of things after. I'm back online now getting through more work and I'm feeling pretty good seeing I have not really spoke to harding yet today. She did send me a message regarding the fact that she had a gut feeling she had failed - she hasn't replied yet and she saw the message nearly 40 minutes ago. Oh well, if that's the way she want's it then that's the way she'll get it. I need action now and I'm starting to get a little irritated with her since I met her. I think she has had second thoughts about me and the revelations about me she heard yesterday probably have not helped. That is who I am though and my past is my past.

I'm feeling a little lifted through adding this music back into my life. I want to feel good about myself and be a success and the band is dragging me back at the moment, my new music is starting to shine through. I'm already pretty tired tonight due to the fact that I was up so early. I think I'm going to have an early computer shut down tonight - just keeping it on at the moment in case harding gets in contact with me.

Tomorrow I've decided I'm going to pull a fast one. What do I mean by that, well, I'm going to get to work by about 7 tomorrow night. After this I'm going to wait until about 8 and then piss off back home until about 12 at night. I know this is not going to bring me huge amounts of good karma but I need more time in the house to get some computer work done and a couple of studio/music hours done. I don;t yet know if I'll do it both nights but I'm seriously thinking about it. I have some great drive in me at the moment and I don't want to lose it.

Well it's 10.05 at night and she has not contacted me back. If she fails to tonight then I'm afraid that shes going to have to go on the back burner. She's got time but not much - I'm getting myself out of this hole and if she wants to come with me she's welcome to - if she doesn't then that's that - I am positive and I am going to succeed. 

The Whole Truth

Hey everyone, sorry for being such a depressing git yesterday, really messed things up there. It's all down to desperation and drink and I should really know better by now. Tonight I have come completely clean with her about my past because basically I had to. So far, fingers crossed, it's not going so bad.

Yeah, she said she would not stop being my friend because of what I'd done - phew! Shes still a little cagey tonight but I suppose that's to be expected really. I've re-tread my steps today and I have written POS back on my hand due to my various slips this weekend. Alcohol is a no-no from now onwards and I'm going to have to stick to that now.

I have managed ton get quite a bit of work done so far today because to be honest I'm sick to the back teeth of this security shite and I want money - and lots of it!!! Success online is now a necessity and I must reach it sooner rather than later.

Just realized she's getting her results for her teaching exam she's doing tomorrow.so I just wished her luck with - she replied with the fact that she knew she had already failed - I just posted this reply -

'don't give me that, your intelligent, elegant, and a 'proper' hot teacher. You'll do just fine'.


I think we're getting back to where we were before which is good news as I hated yesterday and today. She has become a friend and that's a good place to start. I have to work much harder to get this one but hell, it's worth it if it works out. 

Hell I'm tired  tonight but what can you do? Haven't had a run today because my son was down with me but I spoiled him a little - well I spoiled him a lot and now I have sod all money to last myself for the rest of the week. Oh Well, between him and Nicola this weekend I've spent right out and now this week I'm really gonna have to go hungry. That's all for today as I fancy a late night double burger and my eyes are killing me. 

Got My Boy With Me And I'm Watching Bolt

Yep, like the title says I'm in the company of my brilliant boy. I picked him up this morning and I have him with me til tomorrow night. He actually just had a sip of my vodka and coke - that'll put him off drinking until his teenage years. Hardings had her kids birthday party today so as yet I'm have not had any decent contact with her ( really is pissing me off now but I can't complain really. Sent her one message, she saw it, she has not replied - it's ten past seven at night now.

I know last night went well and she said she had a nice time but I'm starting to lose my positive feelings - how f**king needy is that. My son is sitting next to me as I write this and he's passing my drink to me every time I ask lol - slave labor but he get's enough out of me! I'm gonna have a few drinks tonight and try and forget about this lady for a while cos she's starting to rot my brain a bit. It's a weight today and I've had enough. I seem to be doing all the work. Shes already stressed shes interested a few times but I'm still unsure - guess this is just part of the game we play.

Yeah, 8.35 at night now and still no response - I'm not in the mood for positive shite now so I'll be back and for to this blog throughout the night. Just re-read that last sentence - fuck that! It's her loss if this turns out sour not mine. I'm gonna get positive again tonight and ride this black horse all the way to hell if needs be!!!!

I apologize for my lack of positive feeling tonight - I think I'm on a come-down from last night but my life is not going to stand still. Feeling angry but I'm not going to take this shite or let myself get to down - I've come this far and that is an achievement in itself. Drinking rather more hastily now and it's 9.10 at night. I'm not sending any more messages now as I've had enough and I remember I do have a degree of self respect left in this battered body. If she gets in contact then good news - if she doesn't then tuff fuck to me and her. I must be ruthless as well as positive - it's the only way forward in this pursuit of happiness.

My God She's Great

Just got back from meeting harding for the first time tonight - god she's beautiful! I was so nervous and quiet at first shes talked like a mad woman. I opened up a bit after a slow start and she was more than brilliant. I think there's a second date - for certain. I'm so flying at the moment I don't quite know what to write here tonight I'm blown away. I think I did really well but I'm not sure now - my heads all over the place but hell I like it.

I've sent her a message but there's no reply yet ( I am not going to get paranoid at that yet ). She just messaged me and she got back alright. I just messaged her back asking if she had a 'alright' time ( a bit needy I know ). I'm happy and positive and that's all I know - it feels really good and I've made the first step in the right direction. Shes just messaged me - YES she had a nice time and she found my panic nature funny. I f**king adore this girl lol. Got to get a grip cos it's really early doors here.

I don't know why I'm carrying on talking here cos I've only got one thing on my mind and I'm in the middle of talking to her now ha!!!! I'll cut this short cos I'm pretty sure there's nobody out there that wants to read my lovesick shite lol. Not only that I've just got into a conversation with her through Facebook - Today, I Love Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I Supposed To Be Feeling Panic Or Excitement

Yeah, I think a little bit of panic is beginning to set in here. I should really be excited but I've got to be honest - I ain't really. Went into town today and bought a grey hooded Slazenger top to wear to meet harding. I have no idea if this item looks good on me or not. I thought it was a good idea in the shop but that was due to a sweating session caused by hidden panic setting in.

I'm not being funny here but what the f**k am I supposed to say! I'm in a panic here - should I buy some flowers? I really don't know. I talked to her tonight but she suddenly stopped about an hour and a quarter ago - what the hell does that mean. We have decided where to meet but no idea how we meet - she's got my number but I do not have hers.

I've died my hair, I went for a decent run this morning, I've written a page today for my new paranormal and unexplained site. Why has she stopped talking to me and what the f**k am I going to talk about tomorrow. I've got to the point where I'm numb with whats gonna happen tomorrow so I've already planned for what I'm going to do with the rest of my life lol. If it's a disaster I'm going to get my solo music finished and I'm also going to throw myself into working online. Not very positive is it lol. Hold on a minute she's just sent me a message. OK, she just wanted to know about the mp3's I'm downloading for her phone.

Yeah, shes already told me she's demanding and she's not wrong, so far I've splashed out for £27 body wash, I have to get her £30 perfume and now I'm downloading about 50 albums for her. I'm working very hard to get this one, very very hard.

It's 10.16pm and I'm in the middle of arranging how to meet with her at the moment, she seems very comfortable with it whilst I'm s**ting it! Oh god - I wish I was still married so I don't have to go through this shit. Need to remember the positive path I'm supposed to be traveling here lol, need it more than ever. Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen - the next contact I'll have with you is on the big day itself.

I'm Sure I'm Still Fat - Is This How Anorexic People Feel

Before I start this post I should really mention my sister. She is currently away at a special hospital for eating disorders. I admit this today because I think I myself are starting to go down that road. About 5 weeks ago as you may know I started running at least 4 days a week to try and lose bulk weight from my upper body. I have lost weight but I could still do with losing more off my stomach. It's pretty sick really as I have found myself looking in the mirror at my side profile and sucking in my gut. it is now 2 and a half days before I meet harding and I am really paranoid about my gut weight - it is nowhere near what it used to be but it is there.

All this is no good for positive outlooks. My mother rang up earlier and put me in a worse mood than I was before with constant dithering about the oil needed for this house. I wish now I had been more helpful but I only ended up snapping at her. This is mainly because she is eating into my work time and I don't have much between nightshifts. Harding just messaged me asking how work was - I told her I had to work this morning in an attempt to slow down the requests for perfume etc. my own fault for trying to be the 'big man'.

This relationship with harding is now costing me serious money and I have a bachelor party and my sons birthday coming up. Got to stop trying to impress this girl with lavish gifts and rely on my charm ( oh god I'm f**ked ). I just can't afford to do this but I'm so desperate to get things right with her I'm willing to try anything. I'm on thin ice here as she just messaged me to find out how many birds I contacted through that dating site - had to be careful, said she was the first one I contacted and I was lucky she replied ( hopefully she will believe that even though it's complete bollocks.

Shes in the process of making me check out her friends on this dating site at the moment ( why, I have no f**king idea lol ). She wants my opinion - a little strange if you ask me - girls don't usually want you to look at other girls. Turns out she was at loggerheads with this girl - thank god I said she was much better looking. I'm getting a little nervous about Friday now - looks like we are going to be getting a chinese and eating it in a car, it's original I'll give her that. I'm going to have to wear something that compliments my figure and I'm going to dye my hair tomorrow. I'm off to work now and I'm just about to write POS on my hand for the rest of tonight. I won't be able to write it on my hand friday lol.

I'm So Late

Hey guys, I'm going to apologize in advance for this as I have completely run out of time today and need to be in work within a couple of hours. The reason for this is the amount of work I have got through today ( which is a big relief after the last few days ). I'm managed to write two full articles for my science site and I'm in the process of finishing off the SEO on the second one.

I've really had drive today and I think this is due to the fact that this meeting with harding on friday is as friends as pointed out last night ( which is obvious really but still hurt a bit ). It has reminded me to be positive and push myself as I'm going to need to seriously impress this girl and it's not going to be easy. Unfortunately I'm at work on my first nightshift tonight but it just means I'm going to sit in the car and watch dvds, hopefully I'll be able to get through by phone to harding and have a cool chat with her.

Went for a long run in the rain again this morning - starting to piss me off as my mp3 player goes a bit dodgy when wet and I hate running without music. I seriously going to have to cut this short tonight as I've got to roll three smokes to take, get changed and shave within the next 50 mins and I'm going to send a quick facebook message to harding just in case my phone screws up tonight and I cannot contact her. Sorry about the short post but I'm so late I'm really in the shite here. Speak to you tomorrow ( hopefully for longer lol ).

Due Date

We've set a date to meet! This friday me and harding will be embarking on our first due date. Sure, we are only going as friends so far but it's a start, I just hope she likes what she sees or I'm gonna have to make it up with my personality ( oh oh ). Am I nervous, yeah a little and it will probably get worse throughout the week, but I have to do it now, I have no excuse.

We talked for a long while last night and I ended up getting tired first and had to call off the chat to go to bed. I did feel a little guilty but I was absolutely knackered and I really needed to crash out. We haven't really talked today yet but that will come later ( I'm still desperately trying to get a load of work first ).

Just had my low fat tea - yes I'm still attempting to lose weight before I meet harding lol. Went for a nice long run this morning to, aching now but I'm hoping it reduces my size before friday. I have lost weight and I can see the difference in my figure it's just that I needed to lose more and I didn't really start soon enough - I didn't realize I would be meeting her so soon.

It's 9.10 in the evening now and I've been collecting info on where to go this friday with harding. Got a few good ideas so we'll have to see if shes up for any of them. I've lost hours of work due to the fact we can't decide on anywhere. Cocked all my working routine but I don't really mind lol.

feeling pretty positive at the mo because we've sorted a date. I just didn't realize how soon this all could happen. Shes shown a little lack of confidence tonight after I complimented her. She has said we're friends now so meeting each other should be easy. I don't like that word 'friends' and it's pissed me off a bit really. Got a low feeling here now when I want a positive one - still, being friends is a start and it may allow me to work some further magic ( must remain positive or this will not work ).

Festival Tonight

Yeah at 8.00pm tonight me and my band will be taking to the stage to play our first big-time gig. Pretty excited but not that worried yet - that will come a little later. We had a really good rehersal last night so as long as I don't  drink to much before I go on we should be alright.

That last sentence was very important, there will be plenty of time to enjoy a few drinks after the gig - we'll only be on for about half an hour or so with about 8-9 songs. We are really tight now and we had the levels correct last night, I hope that will be the same case tonight. We could go down really well if we concentrate and are tight enough.

Got on great again with harding last night and she seems to be completely fine with my actions thursday night ( god knows why cos I was a right twat ). I just sent her a message apologizing in advance for my pissed actions that I might perform tonight.

It's 2.40 in the afternoon now and I'm struggling to get my online work finished. It's taking ages and I've been talking to harding.

Sunday


Yep, its sunday and I forgot to publish yesterdays post. The gig has been and I'm completely wrecked. This is it, from this moment onwards I am going straight - I promised harding I would only drink with her and I intend to stick to that promise. The gig went ok - one big f**k up but that does not matter, we were quite good overall and well received.

Been speaking to harding this morning for about 3 hours or so then she stopped suddenly. Just messaged her again and waiting for the reply ( hopefully ). I've done nothing productive today - a complete waste of my time. I'm trying to get stuff done but I'm completely knackered, not looking good. Anyways, it's 5.23 in the evening and she hasn't got back in contact with me yet. I'm to f**ked to carry on with this post so I'm gonna call it a day for now, I'm in bits lol.