Oh Dear, Messed Up Again

What a mess. I drunk a whole bottle of vodka last night and I was wankered. What makes the whole thing worse is the fact that I spoke to harding online - yes, you've guessed it, I f**ked up! Give me strength - why oh why oh why do I do these things. I am now in a hate war with alcohol and I intend to win. Tomorrow night is the gig and once that's over I intend to meet up with harding and try and sort my life out once and for all. That is, if she ever talks to me again!


I feel like shit and I am so embarrassed I just don't know what to do with myself - I was on fire, what a twat! I really don't know why she continued conversing with me for so long - I was completely sozzled at some points and I took everything she said the wrong way. I'm having a nightmare here.

Anyway, I got up and went for a run which practically killed me dead. I feel a little better now but I really overdid it. I sent a message to harding this morning admitting I had drunk last night and to apologize, now it's back to the waiting game again. THE WAITING GAME AGAIN! I'm so tired of playing the waiting game, so tired. I've got to arrange to meet her ( if she still wants to ) before I completely screw this thing up. It's the only thing I have in my life other than my son.

As you may have gathered  I am not in any way feeling positive. Far from it actually. I'm off to the co-op now to get some nice liquids in and maybe some lunch and will finish this doomed post later lol.

It's 4.23 in the afternoon and harding has replied to me twice ( thank you god ). I've apologized three times now and she seems alright with it. I've brought up the first meeting again and I asked her what normal people do - turns out after shes sorted out the kids shes pretty much knackered and does f**k all. Turns out she took no offense to what I was rambling on about last night but that really has taught me a lesson - no more mate! You need to grow up.

OK, Panic Over

Yeah, panic over. Harding contacted me last night when responding to my message. She had fallen asleep the  night before and had not had the chance to contact me. That'll teach me - two days of lack of positive feelings down to nothing - a waste of two days!!!! I must learn a lesson from this. Suffice to say I'm more than happy now today. We talked until after midnight last night and got on famously again - I even got the chance to throw a few compliments at her.

It's 8am in the morning and I haven't long back from the night shift. I got about 5 hours sleep which isn't that bad really but I'm feeling tired now. I'm waiting to take my car back down the garage to finally get it finished, this is the 3rd thursday morning in a row I've had to wait up for this f**king garage to open.

Harding just messaged me ( 8 in the morning lol ) and I sent her a humorous message back. F**k I love chatting with her. I really want to go for a run today so I hope this garage does not keep my bike for to long. I really need to fit in a bit of decent work today to. 2 days to go and counting to this bloody gig - once it's over I do not think I'll be doing one any time soon again.

It's 5.13 in the evening and I've not long come back from my run. I'm really starting to feel and see the benefits of this exercise now. When I got out of the car after the run I bumped into the bass player from my band and I couldn't stop talking. On a real high after every period of exercise and it is helping me remain positive but hell do I ache now today!

Hardings just messaged me again as I write this - tends to be happening more and more frequently. I have not done enough work today online ( again ). I'm finding it harder and harder to get enough done and I don't want to be stuck working in security for the rest of my life. I going upstairs at six to get at least an hour of my music recorded - it's getting better and I'm pleased with the results so far. It's very alternative music but that's the way I like it these days. The music I do with my band is a lot different, much more rock induced and heavy. I'm actually still a little nervous about this gig Saturday, I hope we get the outdoor stage instead of the inside room - outside will suit us much better.

Not Happy

Well as the title says I'm unhappy - completely unhappy today because of one reason. I sent harding a message last night which facebook says she saw and there was no answer whatsoever! She saw the message for f**ks sake and no reply - not even an explanation. She may have been unavailable but we had arranged to chat last night ( like we do every night ). I really hope I'm jumping the gun here, I hope she was unavailable then to tired to reply, I hope that her facebook messaging service is still working, f**k this is horrible.

It's 10.17 in the morning here and I slept about 5 hours on the job last night ( maybe more ) and when I got home I kipped an extra 1.5 hours till about 9.40. I'm dressed and ready to go for a run in a bit to get rid of this horrible feeling I have shooting through me. I only found out yesterday that stress can aid weight gain - just what I need man! I am really pissed here and not at all positive in any way shape or form. Just glanced at my hand and saw the faded POS there ( got to remember to look at this all day now ).

Well it's 10.45 and POS is not bloody working and I'm feeling down. I'm not that even worried about the gig this weekend ( which I should be ). Turns out by the time we set up we will only have about half an hour to gig ( thank god cos a few of the songs I'm not that familiar with ). This afternoon I'm defo going to find an hour spare to get some music done. I'm online now and have very little work done thus far - probably because of my mindset.

It's 1.20 lunchtime and hardings expensive body wash has arrived so I may use a picture of it as I contact her tonight. Getting pretty desperate eh! I could almost laugh at myself at the moment - not good at all, self esteem and confidence draining from my again. I'm off to do a bit of recording that I promised myself now, will finish off this posting later.

Hello again, well it's 3.40 and I've managed to get over an hour done in my mini-studio upstairs. Pretty chuffed really and feeling a little better. I've got a few decent songs up their now and more importantly they are my songs - my songs which nobody else is going to touch. Just scanned facebook and notice the lead guitarist from the band has been commenting on my band posts saying I never play guitar I just do the easy part - writing songs! That is the final nail in the coffin, from now onwards my band will come second fiddle to my own solo efforts.

Sent a picture message to harding with the body product she wanted and so far no response. I don't want to seem selfish and I hope everything's alright with her - I am really getting a little bit worried here! Please contact me ARRGHHHHHHHH! I hate the not knowing - it sucks. But we have been getting on great and have talked nearly every night since she came back from France. We have even arranged to meet for coffee and then another date for 'chinese'. So always replies to all my messages but for some reason last night she viewed my message but did not choose to reply. God, I hope she's alright - this is fast turning out to be a real nightmare, I hope her family are alright to ( I just don't know what to think ).

Enough of this nightmare for today - I'm going to get ready for my nightshift so I'm going to cut this short - I've just about said everything I needed to say today and I'm feeling slightly more positive for saying it!

Not Enough Time In The Day

Good day to you all! It's 3.50 in the afternoon and I'm desperately trying to get a load of work done before I have to go to work at about 6.20pm. There are not enough hours in the day at the moment. Not feeling greatly positive as this band I'm in are proceeding to drive me up the wall. I'm the only qualified musician in this band and I am watching them make fundamental mistakes with all my music ( I write just about everything ).

This is sounding like a proper rant and rave but once this gig is out of the way I'm going back to writing and producing my own music and then sell it 50/50 for myself and charity. There, I feel a little better now! Went for an extra long run this morning to make sure I am tired enough to sleep at work tonight. I hope I'm able to contact harding tonight ( not like last tues ) but to make sure I'll send her a message through facebook before I leave.

Feeling a little down because of all this band crap and the fact that I have not got enough work done online this weekend. Going to write POS on my hand now and pull myself together. Just written it on my hand and began cooking my food for work tonight - I'm getting worse by the minute though lol. I wish I could just grab the drummer and go off by myself using him on my music - oh well, in a perfect world eh!

Wordpress, the website builder I use is on the fritz today to - I'm having problems getting anything completed with it. Again, oh well, in a perfect world. At some point here today I'm going to try and get to my top floor and fit in about 30 mins of time on my music - see if I can't get some positive vibes out of doing that. After all, it's all I've got left after I leave this nightmare of a band behind.

England Lose On Penalties Again

Hey everyone, apologies for the no-show yesterday but I really did not have the time and as you can tell by the heading I was watching the England match again. England lose on penalties again and are out of the Euros - pretty predictable but there you go. Spent a lot of time talking to harding and now we are throwing compliments at each other and talking until late every night.

It's all getting pretty exciting and I find I'm forgetting all about being positive because I am so excited. Is this a good thing? I think so, I hope so! I did drink again last night but I was watching the match so that's it until next Saturday - no drink. Yeah, next Saturday my band are playing at a festival and I'm now getting pretty nervous about that. I'm probably going to turn myself down on stage and hope nobody hears my mistakes lol.

It's late at night now and I've been frantically trying to get enough work done today - what I've done is good but I could probably have done more if I had put my mind to it. Been pretty positive today and I've done something foolish that I hope will help my karma and get me in there with harding lol. I've purchased her some expensive cosmetic products that she thinks I can get for free ( which I can't any longer! ). It's cost me a little over £26 but she is a single mother of two kids and I think she more than deserves it. I can't afford it but f**k it, it's a really nice thing for me to do and I think it will help me in the long run. Been talking to her all night again and we're getting along just fine - even got myself a chinese date as well as a coffee!!!!!

Well guys, I'm not gonna mess about - I'm pretty tired. This is it for today and I look forward to a positive tomorrow. Night.

Hangover

Well I'm pretty shagged out due to the amount of vodka consumed last night. Ridiculous really but what can you do? Practice wasn't to bad but hell am I regretting drinking now - can't even believe I managed to turn the laptop  on and type. Sent a message to harding about 1am this morning - don't really know if that was a good idea or not. I was rambling on about her in practice last night and now I'm pretty embarrassed ( really embarrassed actually ). She hasn't replied to my message and now I'm paranoid shes met someone else - what is wrong with me, if she has I still have to remain positive and trudge on.

Got to give myself an injection of positive stuff today - feeling a little down here and that's no good. I just stumbled across this website and decided to post what they have said:

acronym: PABs  • noun : The feelings of uselessness, embarrassment, and general depression that accompany a hangover.  Typically linked to blackoutdrinking.


Explains a lot really doesn't it? I am feeling all these things this morning and I'm not happy about it. The article also carries on with..........


The topic of Post Alcohol Blues (PABs) has come up frequently in previous articles.  While vomiting, headaches, and lethargy are the prime physicalcharacteristics of a hangover, PABs constitute the hellish mental and emotional symptoms.  Typical thoughts during PABs include: “Why does everyone hate me?”, “I’m never drinking again.”, and “What is the point of it all anyways?”  The emotional holocaust created by PABs can get to be quite ridiculous.  You may find yourself embarrassed to answer phone calls from your friends, unable to make eye contact, or crying over your cat that died in elementary school.


That is so well written and so true isn't it? 


It's 3.38 in the afternoon now and I've just returned from a sober band practice. My son's due to be dropped off any minute by my ex-wife ( the cow! ). harding still hasn't contacted me so I'm actually thoroughly pissed off - I even had a drunken conversation with band members last night about her, am I starting to look like a bit of a fool? my sons here with me tonight so he should take my mind off things - a little nutter. 


Constantly forgetting to feel positive today - not good really. I think it has something to do with the alcohol in my system which is making me a little depressed. I think it's harding getting to me a little. Having trouble remembering how to feel positive here. I think I'm going to have to resort to printing POS on my hand again today, see if it helps. 


Well I forgot to write POS on my hand but I didn't need it. We got back in contact and I'm feeling good - amazing what a girl can do for you. It's 11.05 at night and I'm in the middle of talking to her now. Found out a lot more about her tonight, turns out shes been as unlucky in love as I have been. Seems a lovely girl and I now feel a bit of a twat for being a dick all day - must stay positive through every minute of the day. Gonna call it a day now as I've had enough today and I'm mentally and physically exhausted, good night all!

Talk Talk

It's great to talk! I spent about 3 hours talking to harding online last night and I'm feeling really, really good about it - it's amazing the difference a woman can make to your life. She's a hot one though, going  to cost be a bit of cash to keep up with her but hell - most women that are worth it are going to cost something worthwhile. It's 10.35am and I'm waiting for the old man to come back with the car so I can go for a run. Done a little work because I'm worried how much work I've got through this week, not a lot really!

Well it's 11.06am and my dad still isn't back - getting a little wound up but trying to remain positive. I'm drinking tonight and I've got my son this weekend so this is the last chance for two days I've got to exercise, I must take it. I will probably be eating pizza or take-away tomorrow night as well with my son. I must get some exercise and I'm already running out of time today.

Hello again, it's 3.20 in the afternoon and I've managed to get all of my tasks done except writing this and actually doing some work online. It looks like a slow one in that respect today because I want to get some music recorded in my mini-studio. Feeling a little guilty because I beeped my horn at an old man today when I should of been patience - had his wife in the car to. Not good for my karma rating so I gave a pound to the NSPCC on the way out as a way of making some positive vibes up.

It was really stupid of me and I should of behaved. Now I'm pretty sure I'm doomed to something bad happening to me tonight - probably with harding!!!!! Went for my run and put a lot of effort in but my legs ache a bit now - pity the run didn't stop me from losing my temper with that man. I had the chance to go up to his car and apologize afterwards but I didn't take it. Bad move really and not very positive, got to get a grip and remember what I'm doing here.

I'm a little pissed off today because I checked my physique and I'm unhappy with it. I've basically put to much weight on and I need to work really hard to lose it. The diet and exercise is not really showing yet ( or I was more overweight than I thought I was and I have lost weight ). With all this running I seriously must of lost something and the severe change of diet. Christ I hope so cos there's more hard work to go before I get to the look I want.

As I've been writing this harding has got in contact with me and we've exchanged a couple of messages. Pretty pleased I've got practice tonight as I don't have to sit about wondering what she's up to when she's out.
I've just poured myself my first drink - vodka and bitter lemon ( low calorie lemon ). Quite refreshing and nice. Going to wrap up my online exploits today as I wanted to get some stuff recorded today. All in all it should be a good day but because of my road rage incident I've let myself down - must do better tomorrow mate!